How Do I Handle My Child Being A Bully?

It is not easy for any parent to be told that their child is a bully, you obviously start to question where you went wrong as a parent. Bullying not only affects the victim, but it is also most of the time a cry from the bully for attention from their parent.

How do you react when you are confronted by your child's teacher or by a parent that your child bullied someone? Some parents become defensive, naturally, and others become very concerned and try to solve the issue.  The defensive reaction isn't wrong, I would probably react the same way initially because I would never want to hear that my child is hurting someone else ever. I know some parents then look for 'dirt' on the other kid to prove that their child is not bad, that again is a Mother Hen reaction.  Whatever your initial reaction is, it doesn't matter; what matters is what you do about what you have been told. Are you going to ignore the issue or are you going to investigate it further? 

The main point every parent should know is that bullying is a cry for help/attention. I do not believe children are born naughty, I believe their environment determines their behaviour.  It becomes a way to protect themselves or to assert themselves in a situation. 

So why do kids bully?

• They are being bullied at home or at school
• They are unhappy at home with new developments eg a divorce/separation, new sibling, arguing in the home, parent not being home, not getting enough attention at home
• They have a physical disability and fear being mocked, therefore become defensive
• They were bullied as a kid and are now becoming more assertive to avoid being bullied again
• They are seeking attention from the teacher and can't seem to find any other way to get it

How to proceed

Understand that you not only have to speak to your child, but the teacher/parent as well. 

The first step is to get the full story from the parent/teacher and let the, know  that you will speak to your child and understand what is happening. 

• You have been approached to do something about the issue, so it is important to let them know that you are  on top of the situation. 
• Should you not communicate, some parents will then feel that they have to take the matter into their own hands to protect their child, and escalate the issue to the teacher/headmaster or confront your child directly. For the sake of your child and relationships at the school, let's try to avoid these reactions and be proactive.
• No matter how upset/disrespected you feel by the allegation, make sure you say you will look into it.

The next step is to speak to your child and tell them what you were told and ask them if this is what happened.

• Do not accuse them of doing what you have been told they did, approach it in a way of wanting to understand what happened.
• Some children get defensive, say no, and refuse to discuss it further. With such a reaction, you will need to give your child time to open up. Do not be angry but show them that you care and are worried for them.

If the story is true and they admit to what they did, you then ask why they did it and if it has occurred before. 

• Understanding why is so important, as it will help solve the problem
• If it is a school issue, then you take the necessary steps to speak to the teacher to see how you and the teacher can work together to help your child 
• If it is an issue at home, more work has to be done by you the parent

If the environment at home is affecting your child, you need to look at how to fix it. Are you constantly arguing with your spouse in front of your child? Are you giving your child the attention they need? Is your child being bullied at home? Your actions affect your child. Your emotional state also affects your child. Be more aware of your actions.

Let your child know that you love them, care for them and are there for them to talk about anything. Your child needs that attention from you and an open relationship. If your child is fulfilled emotionally, they will become more balanced at  home and at school

Your child needs to know that their behaviour was not good and that there are consequences for such behaviour.  They must also apologise to the child they bullied either face to face or via a letter. This will teach them to be accountable for their actions, and it also repairs the relationship should the apology be sincere.  

The parent/teacher who informed you of the incident, must also be told of the outcome of the discussion. The details may not be necessary, but hopefully the apology will suffice for the parent/teacher. 

Our children reflect our lives as parents, and we must be aware and more cautious of what we say and do in front of them. We must be more accountable for our actions to be able to raise responsible citizens of this world.

Till Next Monday

Stay Blessed

Tafi

#beingaparent

The Importance Of Teaching Our Kids To Give Back

Our children are growing up with access to so much more than we had. As parents, we naturally want to give our children a better life than we had, but do we realise what that actually does to our children? 

• They believe they are entitled
• They believe they can get anything they want at any time
• They do not feel the need to be responsible, why? Because Mom/Dad will replace it or fix it
• They do not appreciate what they have nor do they see the need to think of others

A few months ago, a group of us decided to put a few items together and give to those less fortunate than ourselves, anyone we felt drawn to give to. I decided to go with my children for them to see and understand that there are people who do not have what they have. I thought it best to bless street children, who were closer in age to my children, so I got my children to take items from their wardrobes that were warm to give.  We went together and met with the street kids and my children gave them the clothes. We met with a number of young boys and girls, and they were so grateful for the few items that they got. Without even asking my children what they experienced, they were already planning on getting more clothes to give more children, and planning on doing it every month. They realised how much they have and how much these kids actually need, which to me was an amazing lesson.  They are more grateful for what they have and they pray for the homeless every day without fail now. 

Our children must learn to give back:

• To realise that they do not live in a privileged bubble and ignore what is around them;
• To learn to think of others and not just themselves;
• To learn from a young age to give back and to understand the importance of giving back (to be compassionate);
• To appreciate what they have and to be responsible with their belongings;
• To raise responsible citizens of this world that will grow to make this world a better place by becoming more considerate of others and our actions

How they ended up on the streets or struggling, we may never know, but it is not for us to judge, but to help. Give them clothes, pay their school fees, give them books to read, or pray with them. It may seem small to you, but just one of those actions can make a huge difference to someone, and it will also show your child that sometimes it doesn't have to be a huge gift or gesture, it could be something small that they can do on their own. 

We can't change the world immediately, but through small acts of kindness and responsibility, we can make a difference. We must work to raise considerate children who think of others and who show love in any way they can. The way the world turns out is in our hands, let us be conscious of what we teach our children.

Till Next Monday,

Stay Blessed and safe

Tafi

#beingaparent

#givingback

The Power Of A Parent

Many parents believe that they are at the mercy of their children; their days are run by their child. Some parents feel they need to let their child grow into their own character, and not influence or affect the process. Not making decisions for your children and allowing them to decide as they go along is not beneficial to your child.

The way we raise our children depends on how we were raised.

• If you were raised in a strict household and you didn't like it, you will be more lenient with your children and try to be more of a friend than a parent to them
• If you were raised in a strict household and you believe it worked for you, you will raise your children the same
• If you were raised in a home with relaxed rules and you made your own decisions, if it worked for you, you would apply the same parenting style to your children. If it didn't work for you and you felt you needed more guidance and structure, you would be more strict.

What is interesting to note is that this all goes around with the next generation, they could do the opposite of what you did in terms of how you raised them.

Children are guided by us the adults. Yes it is true that each child has their own interests and we must try and nurture them to become their own people, but how do they become their own people without guidance? How are they expected to reason at such a young age? Learning through experience works, but is it necessary at such a young age? If you want them to learn that way, maybe explain the possible outcomes of their actions, then let them make an informed decision for themselves.

Try not to be controlled by your children; also try not to be too strict a parent. Find a balance that works for both of you where you both know who the parent is in the relationship.

Your child becomes who they are because of how you raised them, what you exposed them to, and what you taught them

Be the parent, raise your child 

Till Next Monday

Stay Blessed

Tafi

#beingaparent

Home Remedies That We Still Use Today

So my daughter is coming down with a flu, and last night I had no medication and no honey. I usually give my kids honey for ANYTHING, a cold, a cough, a tummy bug, because after trying all types of medication and all types of antibiotic, I found that honey works best for my kids. I try to avoid antibiotics because in my simple mummy mind, I believe that their systems get used to it and it stops being as effective, who knows if I am correct... Anyway, back to my story, so I had oranges, the logic behind that was citrus helps something (lol), so I gave her an orange, and I also made her ginger tea...she slept well at least, but is still recovering, its still in the early stages. This made me think, what remedies do other parents use? 

So some of the responses I got from people for a flu were:

1. Ginger, lemon and honey. That one definitely works, this is my number one solution, plus its yummy!!

2. Ginger, garlic, tumeric, cayenne pepper, water and olive oil. Wow! That will DEFINITELY clear sinuses any day I'm sure! Its a lot of "power" in it...hahaha

3. Steaming - hot water in a dish, then cover your child with a blanket and have them breathe in the steam. The thought of a steaming process in this heat made me sweat, but I know we used that a lot as children. My mom would put Vicks in the water. It worked definitely

For a cough I was told:
1. Steaming also works

2. Rub Vicks under your child's feet, make them wear socks. I honestly didn't and still do not understand the logic behind that, but I have been told it works by so many people, so I guess it works

For a tummy bug
1. Salt-Sugar solution. That's standard, it works definitely

Today Amard asked me what the craziest remedy was that I remember and I shared how my dad and uncle put coffee in a bath tub, filled it with hot water and made me sit in it to cure my chicken pox...let me tell you, it didn't work,  and my mom was NOT amused, and  boy were they in trouble! Hahahah!! I really don't know what they were thinking, but it was cute that they tried to help. (Sorry for sharing Dad!) Bless their hearts for trying

We all have our own remedies we grew up on, ones that worked and ones that had really no logic as to why they were done; what do you remember and what do you use for your children?

Please feel free to share some good and crazy concoctions with us!

Till Next Monday

Have fun parenting!

Stay Blessed

Tafi

The Risks Of Posting Your Children On Social Media

Now this is a tough topic because I know many people will disagree with me, and that is fine. All I do is create awareness by providing information, it is up to the individual to decide what to do with that information, but it is always important to make informed decisions.

Every parent wants to share their beautiful child with their friends and family, and social media is the easiest place to do it. Yes there are privacy options, but are your posts really private? What stops your friend or family from sharing that post with someone else? 

Carte Blanche two weeks ago raised awareness on child trafficking and how these predators are going onto social media sites looking for children, and we as parents make it so easy for our child to be found. Sharing location of first day of school, birthday parties and trips away, makes it so easy for someone to just find your child and take them. If you are going to post, avoid sharing location, and also avoid showing your child in school uniform.  These people can lure your innocent child into their car and that's it. Does your child know not to speak to strangers? 

Some paedophiles actually look for pictures and post them on websites that are followed by other paedophiles. In Zimbabwe, we don't have a paedophile alert, but it doesn't mean there aren't any in the country.  With social media, posts are not only limited to your country, other people all over the world may be following your posts and you just do not know it.

If you are someone in the spot light and you post pictures of your children, they could be victimised at school by other kids, depending on your actions as a parent. They could be singled out and treated differently because of your celebrity status, is that really fair on your child? Some could even be bullied by the children of parents who do not like you because of your celebrity status. Your children are judged based on your actions. 

Do you really want your child's identity to be known from such a young age? Does that allow your child to define themselves when they are older and make their own choices of being known or not? It is fun now, but it may not be what your child wanted for themselves. They could have preferred to remain anonymous and may choose to avoid social media when they are older.

It is truly a personal preference as to whether one posts their child or not, and it is important to look at the pros and the cons of our choices. With technology, what you post or upload now, can still be viewed or found in the future, remember that.

It is tough being a parent in this world of ever changing technology, but it is important to stay on top of it as much as you can. Be cautious of your actions and protect your kids at all times, as much as you can

Till Next Monday

Stay blessed and stay safe

Tafi

#beingaparent

#socialmediaawareness

Self Defense Benefits For Kids

Before you all start panicking, this is not about teaching your child martial arts, karate or kick boxing or trying to get them to go around hitting each other, its a pity I can't think of a better term for it, but it definitely is self defense. Your children learn basic skills of how to protect themselves should they be in a vulnerable situation. 

The world we live in now has no mercy on the innocent; our children are exposed to so many crazy people in this world, from kidnappers to paedophiles, perverts,  to those that take children to perform certain rituals. No place is safe anymore, not even school or church, anything can happen to them anywhere. It is therefore important to not shield our children but to empower them to know what to do or look out for wherever they are.

Some of the benefits are:

1. The kids learn how to stay safe

2. The kids learn how to carry themselves with confidence: As an adult  

    there are some places you go where you feel unsafe and worried that        

    someone  may hurt you. Our kids definitely feel the same way probably in 

    more places than we do. Self defense will help go to those places confidently,       knowing they can protect themselves

3. They develop situational awareness: Sometimes you don't notice who is       around you or who is following you.  If you were more aware, you would   

    probably change your route or keep walking till you see more people. Self 

   defense teaches your child how to become more aware and what to do in such     a situation.

4. The kids learn how to trust their intuition: Sometimes you ignore what 

    you are feeling, and think its paranoia, but it is more than often better to    

    trust your gut instinct 

5. They learn to identify dangerous situations/people and how to deal 

     with them

6. They learn tricks and ploys used by abductors

7. They learn how to deal with bullies

8. They learn how to use their body language to set strong boundaries: 

    Some kids are more expressive verbally and some are not. Self defense will 

    help your shy child express themselves through their body language and get 

    the point across effectively

The lessons are not intense, but they build character and give your child the tools to keep themselves safe.

If you can, please enroll your child in a self defense class, you could do it together and make it a fun time as a family

Rather be safe than sorry.

Till Next Monday,

Stay blessed and stay safe

Tafi

#beingaparent

Helping Children Adjust Into Their Blended Family

Blended families are complicated and can be particularly hard on the children. While you and your partner are excited to start a new life together, your children may not adjust to the change so well. It is very important to be aware of this and make sure you are attentive to your child's needs and concerns to adjust well.

Some of the emotions your child may feel are as follows:

Uncertainty

1. Your child  may be scared of losing your attention now that there are new family members
2. They could be scared of becoming insignificant in the new set up
3. They may be unsure of how the new parent and children will treat them 

Anger / Jealousy

1. Your child could be jealous of the attention you give your new partner and thus dislike them for coming between you
2. They may dislike the new siblings for having to share your attention, or disrupting the setup that you had already
3. They may dislike having to share space with the new siblings

Excitement

    

    1.   The idea of having new siblings and a new parent could excite your child as they    

          could have been longing for that 

Overwhelmed and unsettled

    1.    With all the changes happening from adjusting to two parents, the wedding, living             with new siblings, finding their new position in the family, your child may feel     

           overwhelmed and lost. They will worry about what other changes will happen and              feel uneasy

The adjustment probably will not be easy, but here are a few tips to try and make it better for you and your child:

1. Talk to your child as much as possible

You can only know how your child feels if you ask them. As much as you are excited to start a new life, you have to remember that your child has not had as much time as you have to think all this through.

You need to reassure your child that you will always be there for them and that your love for them will not change.

Ask them what they expect from the new parent, from the new siblings, and from you the parent. Ask them how they feel with every new change that is happening. It will take a while for many kids to adjust, but communication has to be open between you and your child.

2. Do not force everyone to get along

It would be nice if every member of the family just got along and loved each other from the start, but it doesn't always happen that way, and forcing it does not help. As a parent you naturally feel pressure to want your new partner and your child to get along, but you have to let go and let it happen naturally. Forcing it will only make both sides angry. Let each person develop the relationships on their own and hopefully they will all grow to love each other.

3.Never block out the original parent

Sometimes the new family may make your child miss their other parent, and it is ok. It is a normal reaction and it does not mean that they do not love you, they just miss them and are dealing with accepting the 'new normal'.

4. Do not feel bad and spoil them

Just because you may feel bad, does not mean you should give in to your child's needs and spoil them.  You now have to realise that there are other children to consider and they must be treated equally. The same rules now apply to each child. Try spend quality time with your child, rather than spoil them.

I hope this has helped someone who is considering blending families or has blended families and was not too sure how to handle it.

Till Next Monday

Stay Blessed

Tafi

#beingaparent