It is not easy for any parent to be told that their child is a bully, you obviously start to question where you went wrong as a parent. Bullying not only affects the victim, but it is also most of the time a cry from the bully for attention from their parent.
How do you react when you are confronted by your child's teacher or by a parent that your child bullied someone? Some parents become defensive, naturally, and others become very concerned and try to solve the issue. The defensive reaction isn't wrong, I would probably react the same way initially because I would never want to hear that my child is hurting someone else ever. I know some parents then look for 'dirt' on the other kid to prove that their child is not bad, that again is a Mother Hen reaction. Whatever your initial reaction is, it doesn't matter; what matters is what you do about what you have been told. Are you going to ignore the issue or are you going to investigate it further?
The main point every parent should know is that bullying is a cry for help/attention. I do not believe children are born naughty, I believe their environment determines their behaviour. It becomes a way to protect themselves or to assert themselves in a situation.
So why do kids bully?
- They are being bullied at home or at school
- They are unhappy at home with new developments eg a divorce/separation, new sibling, arguing in the home, parent not being home, not getting enough attention at home
- They have a physical disability and fear being mocked, therefore become defensive
- They were bullied as a kid and are now becoming more assertive to avoid being bullied again
- They are seeking attention from the teacher and can't seem to find any other way to get it
How to proceed
Understand that you not only have to speak to your child, but the teacher/parent as well.
The first step is to get the full story from the parent/teacher and let the, know that you will speak to your child and understand what is happening.
- You have been approached to do something about the issue, so it is important to let them know that you are on top of the situation.
- Should you not communicate, some parents will then feel that they have to take the matter into their own hands to protect their child, and escalate the issue to the teacher/headmaster or confront your child directly. For the sake of your child and relationships at the school, let's try to avoid these reactions and be proactive.
- No matter how upset/disrespected you feel by the allegation, make sure you say you will look into it.
The next step is to speak to your child and tell them what you were told and ask them if this is what happened.
- Do not accuse them of doing what you have been told they did, approach it in a way of wanting to understand what happened.
- Some children get defensive, say no, and refuse to discuss it further. With such a reaction, you will need to give your child time to open up. Do not be angry but show them that you care and are worried for them.
If the story is true and they admit to what they did, you then ask why they did it and if it has occurred before.
- Understanding why is so important, as it will help solve the problem
- If it is a school issue, then you take the necessary steps to speak to the teacher to see how you and the teacher can work together to help your child
- If it is an issue at home, more work has to be done by you the parent
If the environment at home is affecting your child, you need to look at how to fix it. Are you constantly arguing with your spouse in front of your child? Are you giving your child the attention they need? Is your child being bullied at home? Your actions affect your child. Your emotional state also affects your child. Be more aware of your actions.
Let your child know that you love them, care for them and are there for them to talk about anything. Your child needs that attention from you and an open relationship. If your child is fulfilled emotionally, they will become more balanced at home and at school
Your child needs to know that their behaviour was not good and that there are consequences for such behaviour. They must also apologise to the child they bullied either face to face or via a letter. This will teach them to be accountable for their actions, and it also repairs the relationship should the apology be sincere.
The parent/teacher who informed you of the incident, must also be told of the outcome of the discussion. The details may not be necessary, but hopefully the apology will suffice for the parent/teacher.
Our children reflect our lives as parents, and we must be aware and more cautious of what we say and do in front of them. We must be more accountable for our actions to be able to raise responsible citizens of this world.
Till Next Monday
Stay Blessed
Tafi
#beingaparent
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