Nuggets from 2017

                                             

It has been an interesting year discussing the various topics around parenting. On a personal level I learnt alot. Being a parent you learn ON THE GO, literally, and each child is different. Preparing for our Monday talks got me to look at the people around me alot more, and look at how they raise their children. I also analysed my own children more, and how my parenting has defined who they are. It was also nice sharing experiences with Patience, who is the parent of an older child to my own. 

As we come to a close, I just though to share a few key points that we discussed in the various topics that we discussed this year:

1. Put your child first! 

- Do not be selfish, do not use your child to get your way, do not ignore your child's need/ neglect them

2.  Be Alert!
In this world of technology, be alert at all times as to what your child is doing,watching/exposed to 

3. Know who your child interacts with

- Some children are allowed to watch anything/ get anything they want...It may not be to your child's best interests

4. Accept the uniqueness of your children

- Do not compare your child to anyone else. Your child is special and must be loved in their own special way.

5. Do not have favorites!

- Noone wants to be the child that was not favored, and noone wants to be around the bratty child that gets their way

6. Be cautious of your parenting style

- Research well to understand the pros and cons of the way you choose to parent. The repercussions may only be seen when they are older

7. Your child must know there are boundaries

- Every child wants to know they are loved. If you allow a child to do whatever, whenever, they could rebel and act out to get your attention, hoping you will tell them no. 

8. Do not overcompensate by spoiling

- Children need love and time, not material things

9. Tell your child you love them as many times in a day as you can

- This boosts their self-esteem and makes them more confident in all they try achieve

10. Do not ignore learning disabilities

- You need to know how to deal with them and how to help your child. Do not be that parent in denial

11.  When there is a crisis in the home, your child feels it

- Children that bully, that fight, that act out at school, that shy away, that do not eat or eat alot, are crying out for attention. If you are fighting with your spouse, your spouse doesnt come home, or you are divorcing, do not assume that your child does not see and understand. The acting out may not be just a 'difficult child'

12. SHOW AFFECTION TO YOUR CHILD AND ENCOURAGE THEM ALWAYS

- It makes such a big difference to their character

The love of a parent is the first love that a child knows...always remember that and always cherish that 

I hope you will have a wonderful end to 2017 and a beautiful start to 2018

Till NEXT YEAR, I pray you stay well, stay blessed and fill your homes with love and happiness every day, every hour

Stay Blessed

Tafi

#beingaparent

Blended Families

This is a type of family that is becoming so common nowadays with the rate of divorce in Zimbabwe. It is also a type of family that can go wrong really quickly because noone has really taken the time to understand what it means and what it involves. It is not an easy one to build unless you are both in sync with your partner in terms of how you define your family.

"A blended family or stepfamily forms when you and your partner make a life together with the children from one or both of your previous relationships" (helpguide.org)

Just looking at that definition, I see so many elements that affect this union, that people need to be aware of when they get together. You have the children, you have the exes, you have your partner's parenting style and your parenting style. Each of these if not understood and handled well, could affect the success of your blended family.

So let's look at each element:

1. The children

• These children may have hopes that their parents will get back together, so they could get into this family with resentment toward the new parent. You have to be sensitive to that, aware to it, and not take it personally
• Your partner will have a close bond to their child that you cannot break and should not break. Your aim is to ensure there is no favoritism
• A child that lives with you full time is different from a child who lives with you sometimes, or some days and lives with the other parent the other times. The rules you set may be difficult to implement
• The children from both sides have to learn to adjust to living together. This may take time or it may be instant, or it may never work. Your level of influence on this relationship may be limited because they have to develop it on their own
• The age of the children when you form your family makes a major difference. Children below the age of 10 will adjust easily. They just want a happy situation and will have the attention of their parent due to their age. They are happy if they do not lose their parent's attention. Between 10 and 14 the children will have a better understanding of what is happening and may resist the new family.  They are also quite sensitive and reserved with their feelings. Over 14, the children may not be as involved in the new family and will keep to themselves.
• Boys versus girls react differently. Boys are protective of their mothers, so they may warm up to the new mom much later, and they may feel they are the man of the house to the new dad. Girls are close to their fathers, and may thus fight for their father's attention with the new mom and also warm up to the new dad overtime.

2. The exes

• There is the ex that is very involved in the child's life. The rules you may want to set in your new family may  require a good relationship with the ex or complimenting  parenting styles
• Respect will make it easier for you to handle the ex. Whether you get along or not, respecting each other will make your new family even better

3. Parenting Styles

• When you start dating, it is important to understand your parenting styles. If you are both parents, it makes it easier to see how you can relate because you have practical experience. If one of you is not a parent, its really wishful speech how you would intend to parent, because this could change once you are married and a full time parent overnight.  

• Speak about your boundaries and no-go areas when it comes to what you allow in your new family 
• Also speak about having no favoritism. Children should be treated the same

Each of these are important in any relationship, but especially in a blended family

• Respect
• Communication 
• Patience
• Love
• Boundaries 
• Rules
• Unconditional Love 
• A sense of humor

Every family member will need time to settle into the new family, and it would be nice if everyone changed at the same time, unfortunately it doesnt happen like that. And it is important to know that someone can be ok with the union today, but upset with it tomorrow, and that is normal

It doesn't matter how a family is formed, we have limited control over it, what is important is to create a happy, STABLE, family for the children. Play your part to focus on the children and to ensure they grow up happy and stable.

Till next Monday

Stay Blessed!

Tafi

#beingaparent

Reference: https://www.helpguide.org/articles/parenting-family/step-parenting-blended-families.htm