Tips On Co-Parenting

The structure of families is changing so much nowadays where children are being raised in two different households because the parents never married, are divorced, separated, or never were together. These dynamics are complicated for both parties, but mostly for the child/children.  When emotions get involved, logic is thrown out the window. People act for their own benefit and not for the child/children, which is very selfish.  In all situations the child must come first! Whatever decision is made should be in the best interest of the child, NOT the adult's best interest.

Co-parenting well is so important to ensure that your child has as much of a balanced life as possible, given the circumstances. It requires MATURITY, to put your differences aside and consider the child's needs.

If you put your child in between your issues, you harm the child in so many ways:

• Emotionally: they feel they have to choose, and they feel the burden of pleasing both of you
• Physically: the back and forth and the arguments can drain a child physically; they could lose their appetite and interest in participating in anything
• Poor performance at school: aside from the fact that they feel inadequate not living with both parents, they have to deal with the 'drama' that both of you bring around the child. What you do and say in front of your child can affect their performance at school
• Withdrawal from school activities or social functions: if your child knows it is too complicated to have you both attend a function with them, or to ask for permission to attend, they will just choose to not participate at all to avoid the stress
• Low self-esteem: while you are fighting each other, no one is considering the child, and they will feel unloved, not worthy of being care for. 

Good co-parenting raises children that are:

• Secure: they know they are loved and cherished and that they can call on both of you to come together to be there for them
• Confident
• Problem-solvers: they learn from you how to compromise, how to come up with the best solution and not be selfish
• Happy and healthy
• Emotionally stable
• Proud of their parents: so many kids I know cannot wait to leave home and be away from their parents because of their behaviour. They are quite embarrassed by how their parents handled the situation in such a selfish manner

So here are a few tips I have put together:

1. Put your child's needs first: forget about your anger or frustration with the other parent, your child needs you both, do what is best for your child
2. Agree on boundaries: you need to have the same parenting approach regardless of who the child is with. If it is bed time at 8 at mum's, it should be the same at dad's. 
3. Agree on what you want to achieve for the child: one parent may want a child to feel independent at a young age, therefore their agenda is one of raising a confident child. The other parent could want to nurture the child for a while until they are settled in the arrangement. Two different agendas, one child; it will not work
4. Never make your child the messenger: you have to be mature enough to discuss directly with the other parent about the issues you are having, and not send the child. They are a child at the end of the day, they love you both, and it is VERY immature in my eyes.
5. Never bad mouth the other parent to the child: it doesn't benefit the child, nor does it doesn't end well in the long run for you. 
6. Choose your battles: there is a lot to fight about, but choose what is a life changer for your child, and always assess if they are emotions or if it is a real issue that is upsetting you.
7. Keep talking to your child: Keep speaking to your child about how they feel about the arrangement and let them know that they should feel free to speak to either of you if they are unhappy with the arrangement.
8. Don't try to out-do the other parent: spoiling the child doesn't help. Some parents tend to spoil to want to be the 'best' or 'the favorite'. All it does is make the child try to get the most out of both of you. It doesn't help the child at all
9. Keep exchanges short and sweet: Try and keep the exchanges short to avoid emotions running and be pleasant to allow the children to see that you can be civil.
10. Be open and flexible with schedules: schedules are good for planning, but your child's programme can change. Be flexible to allow your child to do what they need to do, and sometimes they may want to see the other parent during your time. Allow that change to happen.

Co-parenting is hard, but it can be done well if both of you work together and cooperate. 

Focus on your child and it will make it so much easier

Till Next Monday

Stay Blessed

Tafi

#beingaparent

Understanding The Relationship Between Mothers And Their Sons

Hello readers!! My sincere apologies for 2 weeks of no posts. We did not have a show these last two weeks with elections and end of term, but now we are back!

This week we discuss a very interesting relationship...Mothers and their sons....a very interesting relationship. The relationship between fathers and their daughters is not as strong from what I have read; fathers are able to let go and watch from a distance more than mothers can do with their sons.  I wonder why though? Some articles even say there is a risk of the relationship being unhealthy, meaning boundaries are not set in the relationship and thus mothers still have a major say in their son's life even after marriage.  As a mother of girls, I will declare now that I do not understand it, and I may not be the best person to speak on it, which is why I researched a lot on the relationship.

Having discussed fathers and their daughters, I can see that the attachment points are quite similar, but the relationship dynamics between mother and son are quite different. Does it mean that the father and daughter relationship is not so strong? I do not think so, but I do think biologically the attachment is different, I am still to prove it to understand it.

From what I researched, I noted the following:

• A mother is a son's first love. She is the first person to show him affection, and teach him how to love. Thus is a mother is not as attentive to her son from a young age, he will not be able to show love to his girlfriend or wife as he grows older. It would be his first experience with rejection. A mother loves unconditionally and men grow to know that and appreciate that.

• A mother is the first person a boy trusts. No matter what their sons do, a mother will always stand to defend their son. They learn to trust women from their mothers, which is why they take it hard when a woman breaks their trust, they do not know how to handle it. If their mother is dishonest and unreliable, their sons will believe all women are like that. 

• A mother defines what a man will look for in a wife.  Men tend to marry someone like their mother; the standards in their lives, in their home and in their actions are set by how their mother was. I have heard men say that their wife doesn't clean as well as their mother, or cook as well as their mother. It could be food made by a world famous chef, but they will still say their mother's food is best

• A son's confidence comes from their relationship with their mother. A man who is confident, who believes he is invincible and can do it all, is that way because his mother; she was his first cheerleader. If she can believe he can do it, then no one can tell him he can't. Her opinion is the number one opinion and the one that matters. If she does not believe in him, she can break his self-confidence and ruin his future without knowing it.  A study presented at the American Psychological Association showed that boys who are close to their mothers tend not to buy into hyper-masculine stereotypes. They don’t believe, for instance, that you have to always act tough, go it alone or fight to prove your manhood every time you are challenged. These boys remained more emotionally open. Not only did they have better friendships, but also less anxiety and depression than their more macho peers1.

What mom says is golden, and what mom does is angelic. Men take what their mother says more seriously and to heart more than a daughter and her father.  There is nothing you can say about his mother that could paint her badly. 

But what causes the lack of boundaries in their relationship?

It is not easy for a son to separate from his mother once he is in a relationship; to them it seems like abandonment or they are neglecting her. Some mothers are also to blame as they feel that way too and let their sons know that is how they feel, which puts pressure on the son to keep his mom close and to please her.

What is important as a mother is to know that you could get too close to your son and fail to let them go, to grow and to love someone else. It requires making a conscious decision to see that letting him go is good for him and it is ok. From what I researched, it is definitely not easy, but it can only be changed by the mother. 

It is important to have a great a relationship with your son because it defines how he treats a woman and the man that he becomes. It is also important to not get too close and allow another woman to be able to love him as much as you love him. Set boundaries in your mind mom, for his benefit. 

We learn something new everyday, and the hope is that we become better parents for our children. Parenting is definitely not easy, and the same approach cannot be used with each child.

I hope this article has helped someone

Till Next Monday

Stay Blessed

Tafi

#beingaparent

Source: http://www.telegram.com/article/20120509/NEWS/120509477

The Relationship Between Fathers and Their Daughters

The theory is that a little girl marries someone like her father, and that is because that is her first love. Her father is the first man to show her any form of affection, or to define what love is to her. A father's love is unconditional, incomparable and protective. The presence or absence of a father affects girls and their adult decisions in various ways. 

A friend of mine was listening to the show and sent me a message saying this is a very sensitive subject, and it definitely is. So many people assume a daughter needs their mother more especially in the earlier years of their life, which is not really true. A child needs both parents because she learns from both parents.

Why does a daughter need a father in her life?

- To show her love. A girl will see her worth and what she deserves based on how her father treats her. If the father is absent and spends very little time with their daughter, she will believe that is normal and that is what she deserves. If a father is involved in their daughter's life a lot, spends time with her and shows interest in the things she loves, she will expect the same from her partner. 

- To show a woman should be treated. The relationship between husband and wife also influences the views a daughter has of love.  If a father is abusive or hurtful toward his wife, a daughter will assume that is how love is shown and how they should expect to be treated.

- To boost her self confidence.  Our role as mothers is to encourage our children, and we do it so naturally, as we are nurturers. Our children expect us to attend every play, every sports match, every event and support them. No matter how much we try, we can never fill the role the father must play. It makes single parenting even more complicated because the father is not present, but is expected to be.  When fathers are present, and loving, their daughters develop a strong sense of self and are more confident in their abilities. 

- Improved social traits. A daughter who has a great relationship with her father is able to relate well with males as well as females in their lives. 

- Persistence trait. According to researcher Laura Padilla-Walker, "fathers who are most effective are those who listen to their children, have a close relationship, set appropriate rules, but also grant appropriate freedoms."  The older you get, the more approachable the mother is versus their father because of the rules set by the father. I was forced to stick to the my father's rules and be accountable for my actions.

Fathers are role models in so many ways, socially, emotionally, financially, academically and romantically.  The perception of men to a little is defined by her relationship with her father and is therefore very important.

May the fathers out there understand their role and take it very seriously. Whether married, separated, divorced or co-parenting, spend as much time as you can with your child and realise that the decisions she makes in her life are impacted by your actions

Till Next Monday

Stay Blessed

Tafi

#beingaparent

Time out for Kids: Does it work?

It is interesting how parenting has evolved over the years. Growing up, a parent's facial expression would shut you up very quickly when you were being naughty, and now children are given 'time-out' or put in a 'naughty corner'. But does it really work?

So the purpose of time out is to stop the bad behavior, and it is more effective if the child understands why they are getting time out and that the behaviour/action should not be repeated. Some parents assume the child understands, which is why most of the time it does not have the desired effect on the child.


So how do you carry out effective time out?

1. It is important to explain what will happen should they continue with that behavior. The  onsequences should be made known beforehand

2. The time out area/chair should always be the same. It doesn't matter the age, if a child knows that spot/chair means trouble, they will take it more seriously. 

3. After you have warned them and they continue, you must immediately respond. Do not keep warning them and expect them to take you seriously. Warn them 3 times for example, and then take them to the naughty corner

4. State why they are getting time out. 'You are getting time out for throwing your whole meal on the floor'. By doing this, your child will understand what the time out is for and will ensure not to do it again. There is nothing worse than being given time out and not understand why, so make sure you state what it is for

5. If you have given your child time out before, you are guaranteed your child will know how to turn that boring activity into a creative one. If its playing with the floor, or counting the tiles, or following the crack on the wall, they will find something to do. So you need to ensure that the time out is not too long. It also depends with the age. Some suggest that up to 5 years its about 3 minutes, and up to ten years its 10minutes. The point is not to make it too long, nor too short for them to not think about what they have done. Use a timer so the child knows when their time is up, and they also avoid talking to you.

6. Once their time is up, ask them if they have understood why they were given time out and if they have understood that their behaviour was undesirable. 

Children are super clever, they learn to understand us more than we think they can, and hence get away with certain things. This makes parenting something different every single day, which makes it so exciting and crazy sometimes.

I hope this has helped someone today, and I hope it makes you even closer to being the best parent you can possibly be!

Till Next Monday

Stay Blessed

Tafi

#beingaparent

Cyber Bullying Awareness

Social media has allowed people to say what they think and hide their identity. It has given people room to be cruel and not have to face the consequences face to face. It doesn't just happen to kids, but adults as well. I can create a fake account and say hurtful things on someone's facebook/Twitter/Instagram page. If an adult is hurt by it, what more a child?

I went onto a website call Stop Bullying, and I found this information, which I think is important to share and understand 

What is cyber bullying?
Cyberbullying is bullying that takes place over digital devices like cell phones, computers, and tablets. Cyberbullying can occur through SMS, Text, and apps, or online in social media, forums, or gaming where people can view, participate in, or share content. Cyberbullying includes sending, posting, or sharing negative, harmful, false, or mean content about someone else. It can include sharing personal or private information about someone else causing embarrassment or humiliation. Some cyberbullying crosses the line into unlawful or criminal behavior. 1

It is important to understand how children are cyberbullied so it can be easily recognized and action can be taken. Some of the most common cyberbullying tactics include:

• Posting comments or rumors about someone online that are mean, hurtful, or embarrassing.
• Threatening to hurt someone or telling them to kill themselves. 
• Posting a mean or hurtful picture or video. 
• Pretending to be someone else online in order to solicit or post personal or false information about someone else. 
• Posting mean or hateful names, comments, or content about any race, religion, ethnicity, or other personal characteristics online.
• Creating a mean or hurtful webpage about someone. 
• Doxing, an abbreviated form of the word documents, is a form of online harassment used to exact revenge and to threaten and destroy the privacy of individuals by making their personal information public, including addresses, social security, credit card and phone numbers, links to social media accounts, and other private data.2

Signs of cyberbullying vary, but may include:

• being emotionally upset during or after using the Internet or the phone
• being very secretive or protective of one's digital life
• withdrawal from family members, friends, and activities
• avoiding school or group gatherings
• slipping grades and "acting out" in anger at home
• changes in mood, behavior, sleep, or appetite
• wanting to stop using the computer or cellphone
• being nervous or jumpy when getting an instant message, text, or email
• avoiding discussions about computer or cellphone activities3

So how can you help as a parent?

• Reassure your child that it is not their fault
  
• Let the teacher know what is happening
• Block the bully. If you can have a calm discussion with the parent of the bully, then try contact them and see what can be done
• Know your child's passwords and accounts and any other online activity
• Limit the time they spend on their phone / tablet / laptop

What if your child is the bully?

Sometimes children become bullies as a cry for attention; they are going through something and are angry about it and do not know what to do. It could be a situation at home, frustrations at school, or something personal they are going through, or they are bullied at school and are now retaliating.

It is not easy to deal with or face. Some parents ignore out of disbelief, some lash out at the other parent, some attack the child for embarrassing them. 

It is important to speak calmly to your child, try and find out what is going on with them. Children are not born bad, circumstances or the environment makes them bad, so do not blame your child. Speak to experts to see how you can help your child get through whatever they are going through. 

The most important thing is NEVER IGNORE YOUR CHILD OR WHAT YOU ARE TOLD IS HAPPENING TO YOUR CHILD

Keep being attentive to your child and keep loving them

Till Next Monday

Stay Blessed

Tafi

#beingaparent



Sources: 
https://www.stopbullying.gov/cyberbullying/what-is-it/index.html

http://kidshealth.org/en/parents/cyberbullying.html

Stranger Danger. Child Abduction Awareness

It has been a scary two weeks in Harare, with reports coming in from schools that some adults are reportedly trying to lure students into their cars on school premises. The one boy alerted a staff member when a stranger came and told him that he was sent by the boy's mother to pick him up. Brownie points to the boy's mother for teaching him to not get into a stranger's car!!! This made me think, would my own children do the same or would they get into the car? The fact that I am not sure of what they would, scares me. It could have been my child on another day.

Is it the responsibility of the school or the parents or both?

I believe both the school and parents must teach the kids. It is important that the message is made clear to the children both at home and at school. I understand some schools have classes on safety which helps a lot, and complements what the parents teach their children.

How do we teach our children though about safety? I know I wrote 'Stranger Danger' as the title, but is it always a stranger that comes after our children?

I once had to pick up my friends daughter, and she said 'she will only go with you if you tell her the password', of which my friend told me what it was. She said her daughter tends to forget, and also is too trusting, so she wanted to see her reaction if someone she was familiar with was sent to pick her up.  Without even hesitating, her daughter jumped into my car once I told her I was sent, she didn't even ask for the password. It is not always someone your child doesn't know, it can be someone your child is comfortable around, and thus they won't have their guard up.  So always apply the rule even to your family members and friends

Here are some points that you can use when teaching your child:

1. Noone is exempt except mom and dad and immediate family. The rules must apply to all your friends and family.
• It seems harsh but it enforces the rule in your child's head that they must ask before they get into anyone's car. Try keep the list of permitted people short, it is less confusing for the child. 
2. Tell your child to ask the person who has come to pick them up, to call you so that you can confirm that you sent them. Make sure you speak to your child
3. If you use a driver, get their details and make sure they do not send someone else to fetch your child. If they do, they must inform you and your child must do the same as on point #2
4. Tell your child to report to the school or to the teacher immediately if someone they did not know came to pick them up
5. Tell your child to wait for you within the school grounds, and to wait with others, not alone.
6. Teach your child to never accept gifts from a stranger 
7. Tell your child to not stop and give directions to a stranger
8. They must always move around with someone and also let you know of their movements 

These points don't just apply at school but everywhere

Our children look to us for guidance, do not leave the responsibility to someone else.

Teach your kids to be safe. We are living in scary, dangerous times. 

Till Next Monday,

Stay Blessed

Tafi

#beingaparent

Should Boys Play With Dolls And Girls Play With Trucks?

The world is changing, and we are seeing a lot of things being considered to be normal or accepted, which were not before. Is it a bad thing that the world is evolving? Who says this way is normal? Who determines normal? I know a parent who lets her son play with tea sets and dolls, she says he must not see the difference in toys, he must play with all types of toys. I know another mother who refuses to buy her daughter tea sets and kitchen sets, she says it stereotypes the roll of a woman. So she buys her child the same toys as the toys she buys for her sons. Are they wrong to do that? 

The show was pretty interesting on Monday, Amard and Tich (my co-presenters) were on the definite 'NO'. They said boys should play with trucks and girls should play with dolls, BUT girls can also play with trucks, to empower them and prepare them for life.  Different rules for each sex??

A listener said you can't force a child to play with what you believe they should play with, this is because she bought certain toys for her child and naturally her daughter was drawn to the dolls. 

Another listener said they would never let their son play with dolls because it will make them soft, and men are meant to be tough and strong, and thus play with trucks. 

To be honest, the responses were not what I expected, Im actually not sure what I expected. But I did start to think, why do the rules and conditions change for girls? Why are parents more worried about the effects on their sons than the effects on their daughters? What are the fears parents have? Doesn't it depend on the child's character? My innocent thinking is probably because I am a mother of girls, so my fears are different.

Girls can definitely learn life skills from playing with trucks and tool sets. When they are older, they won't be afraid to change a tyre assuming they grew up learning how to change one. They will know how to use a screw driver, how to change a light bulb, how to fix a plug etc...right?

What about boys? Do they not learn any life skills? 

Personally I wouldn't mix the toys around, I would leave boys to play with trucks and girls to play with dolls. But I do wonder, for those men that ventured into becoming chefs, designing clothes and shoes, designing furniture and kitchens, becoming professional artists, where did they learn that from? The women who have become pilots, engineers, scientists, where did they learn that from?

I truly wonder....

Being a parent now I think is harder than when our parents raised us. There is so much to consider, so much our kids are exposed to, so much we need to know...




Till Next Monday

Keep reading, keep learning, keep your eyes open

Stay Blessed

Tafi

#beingaparent