When Is The Right Time To Introduce Your Child To Your Boyfriend/Girlfriend?

When you have children, your focus moves from yourself to your child (well that's what we hope). Whatever you do is now about how it will benefit your child or make your child a better person. I saw a quote that says 'A child will follow your example, not your advice', so whatever you do, know that your child is watching and learning.



What are the reasons people introduce their children to their partners? Here are some reasons are thought of:

• Because they are in love and believe this is the person they will marry
• Because they want to see how this person is with their child
• Because they see nothing wrong with it
• Because they want their child involved in everything they do

Introducing a boyfriend/girlfriend to your child is quite scary for the child. Depending on the age and maturity of the child, they react differently, and here are some reactions I have thought of:

•  Because your child loves you and does not want to upset you, they will accept this person and hide their true feelings from you, but react badly in other ways;
• The child could genuinely be ok with this new addition to your life;
• The child could resist and hate this new person because they believe they are the cause of their parents' break up;
• The child could resist or dislike this new person because they see this person as taking away your attention from them;
• The child could be confused for a bit, not understand what is going on, but then react later in a negative way. 

Patience and I couldn't decide when would be the best time, so we thought of a few

• When you first meet the person
• When you see it is getting serious
• When they have met your family and they approve
• When you are engaged

It is important to not introduce your child to each and every partner, because they will look at relationships based on what they grew up seeing

This poster says it best. 

At the end of the day it is a personal decision, but I just hope you take your child's feelings into consideration, because they are the most important. 

Children carry their childhood into their adult lives; let's aim to make positive childhood memories to make positive and happy adults.

So many dynamics to parenting, but its always better when you share what you are going through and ask for advice

Till Next Monday

Stay Blessed

Tafi

#beingaparent


 
 

The Role of A Step-Parent

The rate of divorce in Zimbabwe is so high, for a number of reasons. The unfortunate victims of the break up are the children. They move from two parents in 1 home to two parents in two different homes.  Then they face an extra parent in their lives should their parents remarry...its alot to handle.  When the exes start dating other people, its all fun and games because it is just the two of you, till you get serious, then children are involved...automatically you are an INSTANT PARENT. I wonder how many of us when we date those with children, actually sit back to think about the long term? Can you love someone else's child 100%? The main point I want to emphasise is you are not there to replace the other parent, but to work together.

So what role do you play in the child's life? What determines your role? There are two dynamics that a step parent can face:
1. The other parent is not involved in the child's life
2. The other parent is super involved in the child's life

#1 is easy on the child and the step parent because you and your partner make the decisions in the child's life, and your child can develop a relationship with you with no guilt or influence

#2 is the most common that I have seen.  It is hard for EVERY PERSON INVOLVED. The parent wants to be involved and will have a say in alot. Each person involved is playing a power game in most cases, which does not benefit the child. There are a few success stories that I have heard of (very few) where all the parents work well together and are focused on making the child happy. Most situations are so messy, you can see the child is so stressed and tired most of the time.

So as the step parent, maybe think about these questions:
1. Are your motives to help the child transition from the break up?
2. Are your motives to please the child or to please your partner? 
3. Are your motives to keep the relationship between the child and their parents, and not break the relationships?
4. Can the situation be civil? Can you be the 'United Nations' of the situation?
5. Are you trying to replace the other parent?
6. Can you handle blending parenting styles and involving the child's relatives from the other parent?
7. Can you separate roles?

Then there is also this dynamic:

• Coming into the marriage with your child and your partner doesn't have
• Coming into the marriage with no children and your partner has
• Coming into the marriage with children from both sides

With each scenario, how will you parent?
- Would you be lenient with your partner's children or the same rules apply?
- Would you say 'when in our home its our rules' or would you say 'let us not disrupt how the child was raised and stick to what is there'?

It is not an easy situation at all, but what is important is that we meet the needs of the child. The transition from 2 to 3 or 4 parents is not easy. This child now has more than 2 parents to please. I love the poster on this post, it truly shows where the focus should be, on the child.


Its a tough world we live in, can you imagine what it feels like for the child?

I hope this has helped someone. Respect is what is important, and with respect comes peace and love

Please feel free to share your comments on our blog and on the Jus' Kidz Facebook page

Till next Monday

Stay blessed

Tafi

#beingaparent

Neglecting Your Child

It seems every Monday, my wifi just fails me! I can never post on time or even post what we are going to discuss on the show. So again I am so sorry dear readers, this has been posted late again! I hope you go to listen to us though at 1250 on ZiFM.  Even send in Whatsapp messages during the show to share your thoughts.

The role of a parent is so hard because you always have to watch your actions. Your child may interpret your actions in a different way, and thus react in a way that you didn't expect.  So many people assume when we talk about neglect, we are referring to physically leaving your child. What we may think is not neglect, may be what children see as neglect, and they may react in different ways. 

Neglect can be felt by a child when:
- The family grows (a new sibling is born)
- A stay at home parent starts working
- A single parent starts dating/gets married
-  Generally any changes that could take away your attention from your child 

Looking at these events, they aren't out of the ordinary things that a parent can be said to be neglectful, but guess what, our kids see it differently, and each child reacts differently. Some children adjust to change very well, and some do not.  Here are some ways a child can react to change in attention from a child:

- They could become very antisocial and keep to themselves
- They could rebel at school or at home
- They could become violent
- They could start bullying others
- They could turn to the wrong groups of people for attention
- They could regress in their development

Naturally when a child becomes rebellious, we all just assume that the child is being a child, and we ignore it. But sometimes there is a deeper reason to the action, and it is important to be attentive to our children. I think this topic is really important because the effects of neglect filter into adulthood, and that is when we see children failing to trust in a relationship, failing to relate to others, always trying to be centre of attention or just being bullies. Even as adults we long for attention, so can you imagine how a child feels when their parent doesn't have that time for them anymore??? 

I would advise parents to talk to their children alot more and know their child's level of sensitivity. When time with your child is taken away by work, social life, a partner or another child, make sure you walk them through it. Like I said, some adjust fine, and others need their hand held and walked through the change

THE MOST IMPORTANT RELATIONSHIP IS THAT OF A CHILD AND THEIR PARENTS.  No other relationship on earth matters. If that relationship is not managed well, then nothing in the child's life will go well to be honest. When we watch movies or meet up with people and hear their stories, the main issue always revolves around their relationship with both parents or a parent. So the more time you spend with your child, the better they will be when they are older, don't you think?? 

Hopefully I will post next week straight after the show, fingers crossed

I hope you have a great week 

Till Next Monday

Stay Blessed

Tafi

#beingaparent

Preparing Yourself and Your Child For Exams

It is exam time! This is the time where you see parents taking away privileges from their children to motivate them to study, or promising them treats and trips once the results come out if they pass. I have heard the craziest requests and promises and I just laugh. Being a parent makes you try anything and everything to get your child to do something. You just have to laugh!

So I am feeling the stress even though my child is still in primary. Im feeling pressure to make sure she remembers everything and I fear I am going to put pressure on her to read whenever she has free time! This is the problem with us perfectionist moms, we just want the best and thus push these poor children to be the best. With this show, I am also learning and also catching myself when I realise I am pushing my child for my own selfish needs and not embracing her for who she is and accepting her abilities.

What we all want is for our children to do the best they can and to be the best in their own abilities. Exams however make most of us panic and lose our minds and want to push our children. We forget our child's strengths and weaknesses and now expect them to just excel in it all...being a child at this time of the year is not fun I am sure...lol

So here are some points that I think could help; some of the points may be late for this year, but you can apply them next year:

1. Be calm as the parent. If you panic, your child will panic.

2. Understand your child's style of learning. I have a photographic memory, my sister has a logical way of learning, she has to understand processes and methods to understand. I have a friend who reads two days before an exam, otherwise she forgets if she reads any earlier. Others require pictures or practical examples to remember a concept. These are a few ways of how people learn, therefore to be effective, you need to know how your child learns and remembers.

3. Create a regular routine for your child to revise their work throughout the year. It all depends with your child's strengths and needs, but the idea is for your child to get used to a routine of revision, and this will reduce the pressure during  exam time to cram.

4. Do not make your child cram! It has no long term benefit

4. Try and include some of what they learn in their every day activities. For example, if they are learning about money, when you go to the store, you can make your child work out how much is needed and how much change they should expect. In the car you can have your child create a story with what she sees in the car or outside, this will stimulate their creative mind. You could also make them tell their siblings a bed time story that they create. Role play some of the subjects like history, or environmental science. Some subjects are practical and you can make your child remember by doing some practical work.

5. Do not revise the morning of the exam. Your child will just panic if they do not know the answer. Some children like to be tested the morning of the exam, and others cannot. Again it all depends on the child.

6. Rewarding for success can motivate or give the child a false idea of success. Your child may pass to just receive the reward, but will not have learnt anything. Push your child to understand the subject more than to win the reward.

It is never to early to get your child ready for exams. Exams in primary school may not be as serious, but making your children prepare for exams seriously, will prepare them for high school. ROUTINE!! ROUTINE!! ROUTINE!! It is important! I have to emphasise it again


I hope some of these points help. Make learning at home fun!

Wishing you all the best for you and your children this exam time!!

Till Next Monday

Stay Blessed

Tafi

#beingaparent

In This Day And Age Of Technology, Should A Parent Be A Child's Friend Or Discipinarian?

I believe being a parent in the 80s was so much easier than being a parent now. If you needed to communicate, it was via a landline or writing a letter.  ZTV would start at 330, and the shows were Sesame Street and Rainbow and Paddington Bear... I miss those shows actually. As a child, access to information was very limited. 

Being a parent of the 21st century is so hard. The TV shows, access to the internet, cellphones, emails, video games, there is just too much information available to our children 24 hours a day. No matter where you take your child, they are exposed to something. It could be the song  being played in a supermarket, or a music video being played in a store, or a video being played on someone's cellphone, or the activities at a birthday party.  No matter how much you try to protect your child at home, they will still be exposed to the world and its madness.

So what do you do? Do you allow your child to be exposed to it all and keep the relationship open, or do you protect them at all costs?

As we spoke about it on the show, I found myself struggling to answer the question. Do I walk with my child through all the madness of the world and let her explore and pray that she is open with me with everything she sees and hears? Or do I just protect her from everything and scare her if she explores the internet?

I think the following:

• You need a balance, you allow a child to explore, but be open with them and guide them. 
• You also have to be flexible to change. There are some things that I believe a parent needs to be strict and some situations where a parent needs to be flexible.  Parenting is always involving
• If you do not guide your child, someone else will. If you lie to your child, they will trust someone else to tell them.
• You need to set boundaries for your child to know what they can/cannot do. These boundaries help guide your child when they are away from you. Hopefully your child will know not to watch adut movies or sit and search certain sites on the internet. 

It is tough to control and protect what our children are exposed to, but it is important to be aware and alert as to what our children at all times. We just need to be on our toes all the time, and be our child's friend and protector.

It is tough being a parent of the 21st century, really tough.

I hope you all have  a great week!

Till Next Monday,

Stay Blessed!

#beingaparent

When Is The Right Age For Your Child To Start Dating?

If anything, this topic was the most hilarious for me, due to the reactions of so many mothers. They got emotional and started panicking at the thought, some nearly cried! hahahah..Is it because you started early or you KNOW what you did back then???? mmmmmm

Due to my years with the magazine, I have now learnt that parenting style are different for everyone and I respect that; what works for me, does not work for the next person. That is why I posed to the question to be more personal; what is it for YOUR child.

The nice thing about our show is that we can discuss views from being a parent of girls and being a parent of boys. It was interesting to see Patience get so emotional about her son introducing girls to her, or going for ice-cream with a girl! I thought only mothers of girls have such reactions. Clearly not!

When I thought about it, I considered some of these questions to be important when one makes their decision:

1. How mature is your child to understand the concept of dating?
2. How open are you with your child?
3. Do you know your child's friends? Are they 'forward'?
4. Would you start talking about boys before they are 13 or when they turn 13?
5. Would you want to meet your child's friends of the opposite sex?
6. Would you want to meet each and every girlfriend?
7. Would you allow your child to have their girlfriend/boyfriend over at your house?
8. Would you supervise dates?
9. What age would you talk about contraceptives and sex?
10. Is your fear  because you do not trust your child? What is the cause of your fear? 
11. Are you able to 'stomach' the openness of your relationship with your child? Do you really want to know EVERYTHING?


Those are the questions I thought of when I thought of my kids. I definitely do worry, but my fear is because I am not that street wise, so I cannot equip my children with all the possible scenarios that she could encounter when she starts dating, so it is fear of the unknown. Now with technology, I could miss ALOT in my child's life, but I hope she will be comfortable enough to talk to me about anything, and I hope I will be strong enough to sit and listen.  I know that I would struggle with #11, I thought of switching confidante roles with my sisters and friends, but I would still be as crazy in my reactions with their children. So I wish my kids good luck (lol)

Some of the answers we got were:
- NEVER (lol)
- When the child is 30
- When the child can pay his rent and look after his girlfriend should she fall pregnant
- When the child is 25

Well clearly the age is not anyone under 25, which is unrealistic (lol), so to our dear listeners and readers who are in denial, brace yourselves, your children are going to date much earlier than that age....so get your seat belts on and prepare for the ride!!

I would just like to know how our parents were so calm when we grew up? How did they not fret???


What a journey being a parent is in this world of technology!!

Till next Monday


Stay Blessed

#beingaparent

To Spank or Not To Spank

This is such a tricky subject, you never want to come out like you are advocating that children should be hit.  I use the word 'spank' because of the type of discipline we were discussing. Something like a light smack on the bum is what I mean.

It was an interesting discussion with Patience, because we shared how we were raised, and back then if you were naughty, you were spanked. In the end, you didn't need to be spanked, you just KNEW that you would get in trouble if you did anything naughty, and you could even sense your parent's eyes on you, even from far away, even if you were in another town and they were home!...hahaha. The power of that eye..lol. Its as if our parents were born with the same philosophy because our stories were so similar!

But nowadays, there are parents who go the other extreme and physically abuse the children, that's not right. I do not see any lesson a child would learn from that trauma. Patience shared how she spanks her child, but she tells him why she is doing it so that he knows the reason and knows not to do it again. I think that makes more sense, but that is if we are speaking of the same kind of spank.  

I posed the question to our listeners if they were spanked as kids and if it helped them become the person they are, and if they spank their kids. Many of our listeners said yes to all three of those questions. As Zimbabweans, I guess most of us saw the benefit and it shaped us. Many quote Proverbs 13:24 'Whoever spares the rod hates their children,but the one who loves their children is careful to discipline them', reason being we are generally a Christian nation, and that is what our parents followed. But times have definitely changed...

I remember if you were naughty, no matter where you were, if an adult told you to stop, you would stop. It didn't matter if you knew them, if they were just walking passed, what they said made was as powerful as if it were your parent who said it. There was that respect for elders. But now, we just have this mentality that if it is not my child, it is not my place to say anything. Why is that? You also have parents who would shout at you if you even tried to tell their child off. Why are we so protective and defensive? Why do we feel we need to protect our children so much? Does it help shape their character? Does it help them learn to defend themselves? Does it not make them feel untouchable and invincible? I do worry...what is so different about this generation versus how we were raised? Were our parents wrong in how they discipline us? Were they wrong to not defend us? Are we wrong to step in when someone's child is in the wrong?

Just something to think about. 

Personally, I spank my kids, but very rarely, because they know now to ask for things, to be respectful and they know we discuss when they are wrong, and they know not to do it again. But that only happened because I set boundaries from the start. 

Parenting styles are different and ways of disciplining are different. The important thing is to NOT BE ABUSIVE I BEG OF YOU!! If you see a child being abused, please report them to CHILDLINE (DIAL 116) immediately.

Sensitive subject, but it was still interesting to share and hear what other parents think of the subject

It is a tough job being a parent for sure. We all just hope our efforts are raising good children
.

My sincere apologies for the really late post...life happened and technology did its thing....sigh

Till next Monday

Stay Blessed

#beingaparent