The rate of divorce in Zimbabwe is so high, for a number of reasons. The unfortunate victims of the break up are the children. They move from two parents in 1 home to two parents in two different homes. Then they face an extra parent in their lives should their parents remarry...its alot to handle. When the exes start dating other people, its all fun and games because it is just the two of you, till you get serious, then children are involved...automatically you are an INSTANT PARENT. I wonder how many of us when we date those with children, actually sit back to think about the long term? Can you love someone else's child 100%? The main point I want to emphasise is you are not there to replace the other parent, but to work together.
So what role do you play in the child's life? What determines your role? There are two dynamics that a step parent can face:
1. The other parent is not involved in the child's life
2. The other parent is super involved in the child's life
#1 is easy on the child and the step parent because you and your partner make the decisions in the child's life, and your child can develop a relationship with you with no guilt or influence
#2 is the most common that I have seen. It is hard for EVERY PERSON INVOLVED. The parent wants to be involved and will have a say in alot. Each person involved is playing a power game in most cases, which does not benefit the child. There are a few success stories that I have heard of (very few) where all the parents work well together and are focused on making the child happy. Most situations are so messy, you can see the child is so stressed and tired most of the time.
So as the step parent, maybe think about these questions:
1. Are your motives to help the child transition from the break up?
2. Are your motives to please the child or to please your partner?
3. Are your motives to keep the relationship between the child and their parents, and not break the relationships?
4. Can the situation be civil? Can you be the 'United Nations' of the situation?
5. Are you trying to replace the other parent?
6. Can you handle blending parenting styles and involving the child's relatives from the other parent?
7. Can you separate roles?
Then there is also this dynamic:
- Coming into the marriage with your child and your partner doesn't have
- Coming into the marriage with no children and your partner has
- Coming into the marriage with children from both sides
With each scenario, how will you parent?
- Would you be lenient with your partner's children or the same rules apply?
- Would you say 'when in our home its our rules' or would you say 'let us not disrupt how the child was raised and stick to what is there'?
It is not an easy situation at all, but what is important is that we meet the needs of the child. The transition from 2 to 3 or 4 parents is not easy. This child now has more than 2 parents to please. I love the poster on this post, it truly shows where the focus should be, on the child.
Its a tough world we live in, can you imagine what it feels like for the child?
I hope this has helped someone. Respect is what is important, and with respect comes peace and love
Please feel free to share your comments on our blog and on the Jus' Kidz Facebook page
Till next Monday
Stay blessed
Tafi
#beingaparent
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