Nuggets from 2017

                                             

It has been an interesting year discussing the various topics around parenting. On a personal level I learnt alot. Being a parent you learn ON THE GO, literally, and each child is different. Preparing for our Monday talks got me to look at the people around me alot more, and look at how they raise their children. I also analysed my own children more, and how my parenting has defined who they are. It was also nice sharing experiences with Patience, who is the parent of an older child to my own. 

As we come to a close, I just though to share a few key points that we discussed in the various topics that we discussed this year:

1. Put your child first! 

- Do not be selfish, do not use your child to get your way, do not ignore your child's need/ neglect them

2.  Be Alert!
In this world of technology, be alert at all times as to what your child is doing,watching/exposed to 

3. Know who your child interacts with

- Some children are allowed to watch anything/ get anything they want...It may not be to your child's best interests

4. Accept the uniqueness of your children

- Do not compare your child to anyone else. Your child is special and must be loved in their own special way.

5. Do not have favorites!

- Noone wants to be the child that was not favored, and noone wants to be around the bratty child that gets their way

6. Be cautious of your parenting style

- Research well to understand the pros and cons of the way you choose to parent. The repercussions may only be seen when they are older

7. Your child must know there are boundaries

- Every child wants to know they are loved. If you allow a child to do whatever, whenever, they could rebel and act out to get your attention, hoping you will tell them no. 

8. Do not overcompensate by spoiling

- Children need love and time, not material things

9. Tell your child you love them as many times in a day as you can

- This boosts their self-esteem and makes them more confident in all they try achieve

10. Do not ignore learning disabilities

- You need to know how to deal with them and how to help your child. Do not be that parent in denial

11.  When there is a crisis in the home, your child feels it

- Children that bully, that fight, that act out at school, that shy away, that do not eat or eat alot, are crying out for attention. If you are fighting with your spouse, your spouse doesnt come home, or you are divorcing, do not assume that your child does not see and understand. The acting out may not be just a 'difficult child'

12. SHOW AFFECTION TO YOUR CHILD AND ENCOURAGE THEM ALWAYS

- It makes such a big difference to their character

The love of a parent is the first love that a child knows...always remember that and always cherish that 

I hope you will have a wonderful end to 2017 and a beautiful start to 2018

Till NEXT YEAR, I pray you stay well, stay blessed and fill your homes with love and happiness every day, every hour

Stay Blessed

Tafi

#beingaparent

Blended Families

This is a type of family that is becoming so common nowadays with the rate of divorce in Zimbabwe. It is also a type of family that can go wrong really quickly because noone has really taken the time to understand what it means and what it involves. It is not an easy one to build unless you are both in sync with your partner in terms of how you define your family.

"A blended family or stepfamily forms when you and your partner make a life together with the children from one or both of your previous relationships" (helpguide.org)

Just looking at that definition, I see so many elements that affect this union, that people need to be aware of when they get together. You have the children, you have the exes, you have your partner's parenting style and your parenting style. Each of these if not understood and handled well, could affect the success of your blended family.

So let's look at each element:

1. The children

• These children may have hopes that their parents will get back together, so they could get into this family with resentment toward the new parent. You have to be sensitive to that, aware to it, and not take it personally
• Your partner will have a close bond to their child that you cannot break and should not break. Your aim is to ensure there is no favoritism
• A child that lives with you full time is different from a child who lives with you sometimes, or some days and lives with the other parent the other times. The rules you set may be difficult to implement
• The children from both sides have to learn to adjust to living together. This may take time or it may be instant, or it may never work. Your level of influence on this relationship may be limited because they have to develop it on their own
• The age of the children when you form your family makes a major difference. Children below the age of 10 will adjust easily. They just want a happy situation and will have the attention of their parent due to their age. They are happy if they do not lose their parent's attention. Between 10 and 14 the children will have a better understanding of what is happening and may resist the new family.  They are also quite sensitive and reserved with their feelings. Over 14, the children may not be as involved in the new family and will keep to themselves.
• Boys versus girls react differently. Boys are protective of their mothers, so they may warm up to the new mom much later, and they may feel they are the man of the house to the new dad. Girls are close to their fathers, and may thus fight for their father's attention with the new mom and also warm up to the new dad overtime.

2. The exes

• There is the ex that is very involved in the child's life. The rules you may want to set in your new family may  require a good relationship with the ex or complimenting  parenting styles
• Respect will make it easier for you to handle the ex. Whether you get along or not, respecting each other will make your new family even better

3. Parenting Styles

• When you start dating, it is important to understand your parenting styles. If you are both parents, it makes it easier to see how you can relate because you have practical experience. If one of you is not a parent, its really wishful speech how you would intend to parent, because this could change once you are married and a full time parent overnight.  

• Speak about your boundaries and no-go areas when it comes to what you allow in your new family 
• Also speak about having no favoritism. Children should be treated the same

Each of these are important in any relationship, but especially in a blended family

• Respect
• Communication 
• Patience
• Love
• Boundaries 
• Rules
• Unconditional Love 
• A sense of humor

Every family member will need time to settle into the new family, and it would be nice if everyone changed at the same time, unfortunately it doesnt happen like that. And it is important to know that someone can be ok with the union today, but upset with it tomorrow, and that is normal

It doesn't matter how a family is formed, we have limited control over it, what is important is to create a happy, STABLE, family for the children. Play your part to focus on the children and to ensure they grow up happy and stable.

Till next Monday

Stay Blessed!

Tafi

#beingaparent

Reference: https://www.helpguide.org/articles/parenting-family/step-parenting-blended-families.htm

Boarding School Or Day School? That Is The Question...

It is so tough for me to think of not being involved in my child's homework. Even when I have had to travel, I would call sometimes to find out how she is doing, but the nice thing is I managed to get her into a routine, which helped and reduced my anxiety. The school run and extra activities keeps me so busy! But I actually enjoy it because I get to spend time with her and watch her progress. It does get tiring I will not lie. Balancing work and the extra-curricular activities makes me think boarding school would be more convenient, but only for that reason. I would want to watch them grow every day.

Some parents prefer boarding school and there is nothing wrong with that. Both boarding and day school have their pros and cons, and what is important when you make your decision is the happiness of your child.

So lets look at the pros of both:
PROS OF DAY SCHOOL
- You are involved in your child's growth at school
- You have a close relationship with your child
- You can determine the activities your child does

PROS OF BOARDING SCHOOL
- You do not have to stress about school run
- Your child matures and becomes more responsible
- Your child will have life-long friendships because of the amount of time the children spend together
- Your work life does not disturb your child's school programme/routine

And now the cons:
CONS OF DAY SCHOOL
- You have to have a flexible job to be able to attend everything
- Some extra activities require you to take the children all over the city for those activities
- You might 'baby' your child by doing everything for them because they are at home

CONS OF BOARDING SCHOOL
- You miss out on your child's growth
- You might not be as close to your child as you would like
- You may be at the school every other weekend to support your child's matches or events

I am sure there are more pros and cons for each. We just discussed a few on the show. We did realise that it also depends on the parent. Patience could handle her child going to boarding school, but I couldn't, and it doesnt mean that any of us loves our child any less based on our choice

Next week we will discuss which age/grade you would send your child to boarding school

Good luck with the decision dear parents

Till Next Monday

Stay Blessed

Tafi

#beingaparent 

Is It Possible To OVER-Boost A Child's Self-Esteem?

The mistakes of a parent walk the streets of the world. Who your child becomes is a product of your parenting, how they act, think, speak and live. Remember, our children do as we do, they copy what they see. Its tough to read, but its important to realise and thus correct your actions as early as possible.

Have you ever met an adult who thinks they are invincible, untouchable, always right? They are annoying because you can never relate to them. The arrogance and the 'know it all' makes it difficult to have a conversation, people ignore or avoid this type of person.

Have you ever met that teen that is reckless and doesnt care? He loses things, he does not respect authority, he can wreck a car or a bike. In all these scenarios, the parent will come rush in and apologise for his behaviour or replace the car or bike within days.
 
Have you ever seen that child in the playground who goes around pushing/hitting other kids and the mother comes rushing to protect him and apologise on his behalf? A few minutes later, he does it to another child and the mother rushes and does the same thing.

Each of these scenarios can have different reasons why children do it, but directly or indirectly, knowing or unknowing, you are giving your child a false idea of who he is. You are telling your child 'You are better than anyone and anything, and do noone can tell you otherwise. I will always be there to fix it.'  Patience actually said its a thin line between spoiling and boosting self esteem, which is so true. Each of these could also be seen as spoiling a child, which you are. It may seem confusing because someone may say this is not a self esteem issue, it is self-confidence/arrogance, but its a very thin line between the two.

 Self-esteem reflects a person's overall subjective emotional evaluation of his or her own worth. It is a judgment of oneself as well as an attitude toward the self.

 It is good to tell a child that they are great, that they can do good, that they are the best, but we have to make sure that we are not telling our children that they are invincible and untouchable. Being an over-protective parent over our children's actions makes the situation worse. Teach your child to be responsible over his actions. A child believes who he is through what you tell him he is.

 Lets be aware of what we tell our children about themselves and our actions toward our child's behaviour. Our children are smart, and can manipulate our feelings remember that, and always know they are ALWAYS watching what we do

Let's create the children we do not have to worry over

Till Next Monday

Stay Blessed

Tafi 

#beingaparent

When Is The Right Time To Introduce Your Child To Your Boyfriend/Girlfriend?

When you have children, your focus moves from yourself to your child (well that's what we hope). Whatever you do is now about how it will benefit your child or make your child a better person. I saw a quote that says 'A child will follow your example, not your advice', so whatever you do, know that your child is watching and learning.



What are the reasons people introduce their children to their partners? Here are some reasons are thought of:

• Because they are in love and believe this is the person they will marry
• Because they want to see how this person is with their child
• Because they see nothing wrong with it
• Because they want their child involved in everything they do

Introducing a boyfriend/girlfriend to your child is quite scary for the child. Depending on the age and maturity of the child, they react differently, and here are some reactions I have thought of:

•  Because your child loves you and does not want to upset you, they will accept this person and hide their true feelings from you, but react badly in other ways;
• The child could genuinely be ok with this new addition to your life;
• The child could resist and hate this new person because they believe they are the cause of their parents' break up;
• The child could resist or dislike this new person because they see this person as taking away your attention from them;
• The child could be confused for a bit, not understand what is going on, but then react later in a negative way. 

Patience and I couldn't decide when would be the best time, so we thought of a few

• When you first meet the person
• When you see it is getting serious
• When they have met your family and they approve
• When you are engaged

It is important to not introduce your child to each and every partner, because they will look at relationships based on what they grew up seeing

This poster says it best. 

At the end of the day it is a personal decision, but I just hope you take your child's feelings into consideration, because they are the most important. 

Children carry their childhood into their adult lives; let's aim to make positive childhood memories to make positive and happy adults.

So many dynamics to parenting, but its always better when you share what you are going through and ask for advice

Till Next Monday

Stay Blessed

Tafi

#beingaparent


 
 

The Role of A Step-Parent

The rate of divorce in Zimbabwe is so high, for a number of reasons. The unfortunate victims of the break up are the children. They move from two parents in 1 home to two parents in two different homes.  Then they face an extra parent in their lives should their parents remarry...its alot to handle.  When the exes start dating other people, its all fun and games because it is just the two of you, till you get serious, then children are involved...automatically you are an INSTANT PARENT. I wonder how many of us when we date those with children, actually sit back to think about the long term? Can you love someone else's child 100%? The main point I want to emphasise is you are not there to replace the other parent, but to work together.

So what role do you play in the child's life? What determines your role? There are two dynamics that a step parent can face:
1. The other parent is not involved in the child's life
2. The other parent is super involved in the child's life

#1 is easy on the child and the step parent because you and your partner make the decisions in the child's life, and your child can develop a relationship with you with no guilt or influence

#2 is the most common that I have seen.  It is hard for EVERY PERSON INVOLVED. The parent wants to be involved and will have a say in alot. Each person involved is playing a power game in most cases, which does not benefit the child. There are a few success stories that I have heard of (very few) where all the parents work well together and are focused on making the child happy. Most situations are so messy, you can see the child is so stressed and tired most of the time.

So as the step parent, maybe think about these questions:
1. Are your motives to help the child transition from the break up?
2. Are your motives to please the child or to please your partner? 
3. Are your motives to keep the relationship between the child and their parents, and not break the relationships?
4. Can the situation be civil? Can you be the 'United Nations' of the situation?
5. Are you trying to replace the other parent?
6. Can you handle blending parenting styles and involving the child's relatives from the other parent?
7. Can you separate roles?

Then there is also this dynamic:

• Coming into the marriage with your child and your partner doesn't have
• Coming into the marriage with no children and your partner has
• Coming into the marriage with children from both sides

With each scenario, how will you parent?
- Would you be lenient with your partner's children or the same rules apply?
- Would you say 'when in our home its our rules' or would you say 'let us not disrupt how the child was raised and stick to what is there'?

It is not an easy situation at all, but what is important is that we meet the needs of the child. The transition from 2 to 3 or 4 parents is not easy. This child now has more than 2 parents to please. I love the poster on this post, it truly shows where the focus should be, on the child.


Its a tough world we live in, can you imagine what it feels like for the child?

I hope this has helped someone. Respect is what is important, and with respect comes peace and love

Please feel free to share your comments on our blog and on the Jus' Kidz Facebook page

Till next Monday

Stay blessed

Tafi

#beingaparent

Neglecting Your Child

It seems every Monday, my wifi just fails me! I can never post on time or even post what we are going to discuss on the show. So again I am so sorry dear readers, this has been posted late again! I hope you go to listen to us though at 1250 on ZiFM.  Even send in Whatsapp messages during the show to share your thoughts.

The role of a parent is so hard because you always have to watch your actions. Your child may interpret your actions in a different way, and thus react in a way that you didn't expect.  So many people assume when we talk about neglect, we are referring to physically leaving your child. What we may think is not neglect, may be what children see as neglect, and they may react in different ways. 

Neglect can be felt by a child when:
- The family grows (a new sibling is born)
- A stay at home parent starts working
- A single parent starts dating/gets married
-  Generally any changes that could take away your attention from your child 

Looking at these events, they aren't out of the ordinary things that a parent can be said to be neglectful, but guess what, our kids see it differently, and each child reacts differently. Some children adjust to change very well, and some do not.  Here are some ways a child can react to change in attention from a child:

- They could become very antisocial and keep to themselves
- They could rebel at school or at home
- They could become violent
- They could start bullying others
- They could turn to the wrong groups of people for attention
- They could regress in their development

Naturally when a child becomes rebellious, we all just assume that the child is being a child, and we ignore it. But sometimes there is a deeper reason to the action, and it is important to be attentive to our children. I think this topic is really important because the effects of neglect filter into adulthood, and that is when we see children failing to trust in a relationship, failing to relate to others, always trying to be centre of attention or just being bullies. Even as adults we long for attention, so can you imagine how a child feels when their parent doesn't have that time for them anymore??? 

I would advise parents to talk to their children alot more and know their child's level of sensitivity. When time with your child is taken away by work, social life, a partner or another child, make sure you walk them through it. Like I said, some adjust fine, and others need their hand held and walked through the change

THE MOST IMPORTANT RELATIONSHIP IS THAT OF A CHILD AND THEIR PARENTS.  No other relationship on earth matters. If that relationship is not managed well, then nothing in the child's life will go well to be honest. When we watch movies or meet up with people and hear their stories, the main issue always revolves around their relationship with both parents or a parent. So the more time you spend with your child, the better they will be when they are older, don't you think?? 

Hopefully I will post next week straight after the show, fingers crossed

I hope you have a great week 

Till Next Monday

Stay Blessed

Tafi

#beingaparent