As A Step Dad, What Role Would You Want To Play In Your Step Child's Life?

We always seem to forget that men have a say too in our child's upbringing, especially when it comes to blended families. It is now more common to see men marrying women who already have children from a previous marriage. Most times the father of the children is not involved, so the dynamics are easier; decisions are made by the mom and step dad. But what happens when the father is involved? How are decisions made? Should the two men know each other? Should the mother be the person who speaks on their behalf? 

I know of someone who deals directly with the father of her children, and the two of them make the decisions. It has its own challenges, but it seems to work for them

I know someone else who says the two fathers choose to deal with each other especially when it comes to the finances. There seems to be less friction for them there because the mother of the child is not involved and the discussion is very specific, its about the money. Visitation and access is stipulated and everyone knows their place

Another scenario is where all three parties meet and work together in terms of making decisions for the child. Now this one I noticed worked because each person put their feelings aside and said this is about the child, and for the benefit of the child, nothing else. 

What we deal with in these situations is one, two or more of the following issues:

- Anger toward the end of a relationship

- Control: both men want to feel their position is known and appreciated

- Respect: both men want to be respected due to their role in the child's life

These feelings should be considered when you date someone who has their own children

- Do I want to be involved in the decision making?

- Can I afford to contribute or pay the full amount for fees?

- Can I handle dealing with another man and his demands on his child?

- Can I handle my wife speaking directly with her ex husband/partner?

There is no perfect way for everyone, each family has its own dynamics and what works for one family may not work for another, and what works initially may become complicated later, and the approach changes

It is definitely not an easy situation when you love someone but they have their 'situation'. But nothing is impossible when there is COMMUNICATION, LOVE AND RESPECT

At the end of the day, what is important is to do what is best for the child. Put that first, and it will work out fine 

Till Next Monday

Stay Blessed

Tafi

#beingaparent

The Importance Of Being Loving Towards Each Other Around Your Children

Its two days before Valentine's Day!!! I have been seeing roses and chocolates on display more in the stores now. Hopefully all will be bought in preparation for that wonderful day of love!!!

Many parents assume that children learn things only when they are older, which is when they will start to give them advice. But that is not the correct thing to do. Children learn so much from a young age, and up to 7 years, they will be forming their character based on what they are exposed to. This is why they say it is important to invest time with your child in the early years of their life so that they learn as much as they can from you.

Even at that young age your child is forming his/her opinion about what love is, how to show love and how to behave in a relationship and marriage. Without realising it, they become what they see when they are older, which is why you find understanding someone's past or family dynamics is very important when in a relationship. 

How you treat your wife is how your daughter will believe she will be treated, and how your son believes he should treat his wife. How you treat your husband is how your daughter will believe a man should be treated and how a boy believes he should be treated. History just repeats itself in our children and our grandchildren.

If you as a father just arrive home, watch TV and go to bed with no conversation, that is what your children will believe should be done. If you show that your role is just to provide, then your son will believe that is his role as a husband. If as husband and wife you do not eat meals together, you watch TV in separate rooms, and when in the same room you hardly speak, then your children will believe that is normal. The expectations couples have in a relationship are based on what they grow up seeing or are exposed to. I grew up seeing laughter and affection, celebrating special occasions together and with family, meals were eaten together at the table, so naturally I would expect to see the same in my relationship because that is all I know. 

Valentine's to me, is a day that couples are forced to show their love. Wives are expecting flowers at work and at home, chocolates on her desk, candle light dinner and more, and men are on the other side wondering why they are doing it...hahahah...but it is still an important day regardless, its a day you show your appreciation to your partner. It would be great that your children see you planning all this for their mother, or even helping plan it, or helping mum pick a lovely dress for dinner. It not only creates memories, but it shows them the act of love.

But it shouldn't only happen that one day or on Christmas or birthdays, it should happen all year round. I am not saying spend money all the time, but show love in different ways:

- Make your partner coffee because they like it

- Send them a song that you both used to love

- Give them a peck in the morning or whenever you see each other

- Hold hands

- Sit together on the coach

- Share your day with each other and the kids

These small acts are what you used to do before when you were dating, now you are doing it more, and you never know, it could ignite something that was lost before, and it could become a part of your day always. 

You would be proud to know that you set standards for your daughter in terms of how she should be treated and how she should treat her husband, and your son would know how to treat his wife and how to handle a relationship. It requires both mom and dad to teach these values to their children, so do not sit back and let your partner do it all.

Remember that your actions reflect in your child. Be the parent that you would want to see in your child

Happy Valentine's to you all!!

Till Next Monday

Stay Blessed

Tafi

#beingaparent

Sex Education to 11 - 13 Year Old Kids

Where I thought a 3 year old was harder to speak to, this group has shown me it will prove to be the hardest

At this age, kids are much closer to their friends and they share information and knowledge; the more you know, the cooler you are. So if you haven't established an open relationship with your child by this age, you can guarantee that their friends are keeping them up to date!

So just to help you understand who you are dealing with:

• Preteens and teens begin to spend more time with peers and less time with family.
• Preteens and teens begin to form their identity by exploring different clothes, hairstyles, friends, music, and hobbies.
• Moodiness is common as youth struggle to search for an identity.
• Preteens and teens push limits that adults put on them to assert their independence
• Girls are more self conscious and 

You turn from being the best parent ever, to becoming the 'uncool' parent; their friends know more and they tryst their friends' opinions.

This age group experiments, succumbs to peer pressure very easily if they do not have the guidance. This is the age group that can get the concept of sex and their bodies completely wrong if you do not address it correctly. 

No matter the age, it is important to keep giving your children the same message, but also realise the stage they are in their lives socially. We may blame the school, church or extra lessons that expose our children to 'naughty' kids, but we must also accept that our own actions have an impact on what a child learns/is exposed to. 

As a parent you must look at:

• The friends you have, what do they believe and how do they treat their children?
• Your own beliefs
• What you watch in front of your children
• What you say in front of your children

If inappropriate material is not supposed to be seen by your child, don't watch it on your phone when your child is there, don't speak about such in their presence, and don't keep it lying around, or take them to places where it is allowed. Your actions should speak louder than words, children learn by your actions. I have a friend who doesn't allow her children to have sweets/juice, they must have fruits and water. The rule doesn't only apply in her house and in their lunchboxes, they are not allowed even at their relatives' homes. So now her daughter naturally orders water wherever she goes and is confident to turn down a glass of juice if offered,  because she knows it is not allowed and it is a clear rule in her head. That is what we need to do with our children, to empower them with clear rules that apply wherever they go. If they see someone watching an inappropriate video, they know to walk away

We cannot always be with our children 24/7 but we must raise them to know that wherever they are, they will be alright.  

• Know your child's friends
• Know your child's interests
• Know your child's character
• Spend time with your child
• Speak openly with your child

Do not let your child become a victim of abuse or peer pressure. Empower them with wisdom and the confidence to love themselves just as they are.

Till Next Monday

Stay Blessed

Tafi

#beingaparent

Teaching Sex Education to 7 to 10 Year Olds

While researching around this topic I saw that some schools have a curriculum that they call 'growing up' or ''our bodies'', I found that to be a nicer way of approaching the subject.  The less awkward, the better for everyone, the parent and the child. It is such a tough subject, I actually feel quite uncomfortable talking about it because I picture myself having this talk with my children very soon....

Children between 7 and 10 are interested in how their bodies will change and how to handle friendships and bullies.  Here are some things should know by this age:

• They should also know what the role of sexuality is in relationships. 
• Children should know about the basic social conventions of privacy, nudity, and respect for others in relationships. 
• Children should be taught the basics about puberty towards the end of this age span, as a number of children will experience some pubertal development before age 10. 
• Children’s understanding of human reproduction​ should continue. This may include the role of sexual intercourse.

Peer pressure comes into play at this stage. Children may be pressured to 'try' things or experiment. If your child does not have the basic understanding of his/her body and knowing what is allowed and what isn't allowed, you will find your child being a victim of an experiment; they will feel the need to try certain things in order to fit in.

You will also find that some of the children nowadays develop faster than others; their body can start changing faster than their peers and they won't understand why. Not only will this confuse your child but it will also confuse their peers and make them curious. If your child isn't the one going through the changes, he/she will feel they have something wrong with them because they aren't changing. It is important to make sure your child understand what is going on and to embrace the changes, to be proud that they are changing and growing. For those that haven't started developing, they must be told their time will come and it will be at the right time.  Self esteem issues come into play here and it is important to let your child know that they are normal and loved and should not be ashamed of who they are.

So in a nutshell:

• Do not shut your child out or prevent them from asking questions,
• Teach your child to understand BOUNDARIES and PRIVACY with regards to their bodies,
• Teach your child about puberty,
• Aim to be your child's FIRST source for information 

Till next Monday

Stay Blessed

Tafi

Teaching Sex Education to 3-6 Years Olds

It was definitely an uncomfortable conversation for me. Just saying the word 'sex' was sooo hard on radio. I was so conscious on parents who had kids in the car listening.  Patience found it so hilarous

So this age group is so innocent and straight forward, they ask it as they see it, they do not mince their words. 'Mommy what is sex?' 'Where do babies come from?" "Mommy why do parents kiss?'These guys are the hardest to speak to and to also lie to because they will remember what you said. You also have to be sure not to say too much or too little.  This is the first of many conversations you will have about this, so do it well. Here are some points:

1. Be honest. Explain in a way that you are able to build on the conversation as they grow. Do not be like Patience who suggested you tell them babies come from an egg and a seed, can you imagine what the children will be thinking when they see a tomato seed and or a sunflower seed, and they take an egg from the kitchen and try to make a baby??? No no no please...We did tease Patience on the show and one of our listeners even said that was a lame one...sorry Patience.  Maybe say babies come from a mom and dad who are in love. Make sure you emphasise that a baby is made out of love and that it is not just something anyone can do any time. 

2. Do not avoid the question. Answer the question and this will let your child know that they can ask you anything and anytime. You want to be their first preference for information and knowledge and that what you say is golden. This will avoid them being influenced by other children/parents/sources

3.Emphasise the importance of privacy. Your child should not see nudity as something that can be done anywhere around anyone. If your child walks in on you changing, do not scare them off and  shout. Hopefully you would have spoken to them about noone seeing them naked, so you remind them of this and that they shouldnt see you naked as well

4. Follow up on some of your answers to make sure they have understood. This will make sure you have answered what your child was really asking and it will also et your child know that you were listening and they can trust you and they can come and ask you something again.

Its a tough discussion and it is not something you can escape from, but you can and MUST do it right!

I hope this has helped someone out there

Till next Monday

Stay Blessed

Tafi

#beingaparent

The Importance Of Teaching Your Child About Uderstanding Their Body

I think the first thing I must share with you all is that at a very young age, children understand alot about being a boy and being a girl.  At the ages of  and 3, children start realising their 'differences' from the other sex. Then between 3 and 5, you will find your children playing 'house' ie playing mommy and daddy or saying they have a boyfriend or girlfriend at preschool. From the age of 6, they have outside influences being their friends, cousins, TV, internet, that expose them to more about who they are as a boy/girl.

Now, having this background, you can see that from a young age, our kids are learning and absorbing. Whether we expose them to alot or not, they are still going to learn about who they are; therefore it is important to make sure that we teach our children early about who they are

Here are a few reasons why it is important to talk to them about who they are:
1. They are growing and learning, and you should be their source of information

2. It creates an opportunity to develop and open relationship with your child in preparation for puberty. Your child will feel comfortable enough to approach you with any question on anything.

3. Your child knows the importance of their body and their body parts. Therefore they will not allow anyone to 'disrespect' their body by touching them inappropriately.

4. It will prevent your child from being sexually abused by educating them. They will know who is allowed to see them naked and what parts are not allowed to be touched.

5. It helps you understand the maturity of your child. Some children are naive and some are really switched on. You can see what you can expose your child to and what they can handle

Sexual abuse is not done by strangers, it is done by people that your child knows. Depending on the relationship with your child, the abuser can either make it seem normal, or they can threaten them.

A child's self esteem over their body all depends on what they have learnt or seen growing up. If they have been told to be ashamed of their body, they may be vulnerable to abusers who tell them they are beautiful. If they grow up being over confident with their body and exposing parts of their body, they may be misunderstood as being loose and/or available. It is therefore important to find that balance for a child to respect their body and to love themselves. And it all depends on you the parent.

Next week we shall go into detail of how you have this discussion and what age.

Its a serious and uncomfortable topic, but its better to be safe than sorry

Till Next Monday

Stay Blessed

Tafi

Managing Your Expectations Of Your Child's Teacher

Happy New Year everyone! Happy start of the term to all Zimbabwean parents! It has been a crazy start, but I am grateful yesterday it only rained much later in the day. It was a bright start to the term! Now we need the rain...lol

Grade 0, Grade 1, Form 1 are all the toughest years for parents. New school or first term at a formal school, we all have expectations for our children and from the teacher. We all want what is best for our child, but we also are not too sure who is supposed to take what role in raising our children. This is where a lot of parents get it wrong and have issues with the teachers.

Who teaches your child manners?

Who teaches your child respect?

Who teaches your child what is right from wrong?

To what extent is your child's performance the teacher's fault?

To what extent do you believe you should be involved in your child's schoolwork?

I heard a story of a mother who went to the teacher and said her child is rude and disrespectful and why hasn't she done anything about it? The teacher looked at the mother and said 'my job is to teach your child academically, not to raise your child for you'.  I had mixed feelings about it, I thought its partly true but I also thought, if my child is at school from 730am till 5pm, shouldn't the school teach the child some values? BUT at the same time, this is 1 individual looking after 27 - 40 children in a class, all with different cultures, backgrounds and rules; if I were her, would I be able to handle each child's needs and be sensitive to their upbringing? I don't think so. I would however ensure that each child has basic manners and learns respect, but to what extent I would instil it, I really do not know. It is hard being a teacher I think. Yes, the school has basic values and morals, but should the school discipline each child until they are in line, or should the parent also play a role? What happens when you have a parent that says stick to academics and leave discipline to me, what do you do then?

I think as parents we should remember the following things:

1. That is MY child and therefore my responsibility.

2. The school is there to do what I cannot do in terms of education and social skills.

3. I must play an active role in my child's education and not leave it to the teacher.

4. I must not expect the teacher to play my role as the parent. I chose that school (hopefully) for the reason that their morals and values are in line with what I want for my family, therefore I must complement what they teach.

5. I must be open as a parent to allow the teacher to approach me should my child be disrespectful or disruptive etc. (This helps the teacher to feel that you are willing to fix the problem and thus work with you to fix the problem)

These are just some thoughts we shared on the show, at the end of the day that is your child and it is important to know more about your child and get involved. Do not leave it all to the teacher

The school definitely has to handle issues that affect the performance of the children eg bullying, and I am not saying they must ignore or turn a blind eye, but it is something that you should not expect for them to solve alone.

WORK TOGETHER, FOR IT TAKES A VILLAGE TO RAISE A CHILD, BUT YOU MUST BE ACTIVE IN RAISING YOUR CHILD

New Year, New Approach To How You Raise Your Children

Till Next Monday

Stay Blessed

Tafi

Disclaimer: These views are strictly the views of me as a parent. Nothing is set in stone to say you should follow my thoughts.