Sex Education to 11 - 13 Year Old Kids

Where I thought a 3 year old was harder to speak to, this group has shown me it will prove to be the hardest

At this age, kids are much closer to their friends and they share information and knowledge; the more you know, the cooler you are. So if you haven't established an open relationship with your child by this age, you can guarantee that their friends are keeping them up to date!

So just to help you understand who you are dealing with:

• Preteens and teens begin to spend more time with peers and less time with family.
• Preteens and teens begin to form their identity by exploring different clothes, hairstyles, friends, music, and hobbies.
• Moodiness is common as youth struggle to search for an identity.
• Preteens and teens push limits that adults put on them to assert their independence
• Girls are more self conscious and 

You turn from being the best parent ever, to becoming the 'uncool' parent; their friends know more and they tryst their friends' opinions.

This age group experiments, succumbs to peer pressure very easily if they do not have the guidance. This is the age group that can get the concept of sex and their bodies completely wrong if you do not address it correctly. 

No matter the age, it is important to keep giving your children the same message, but also realise the stage they are in their lives socially. We may blame the school, church or extra lessons that expose our children to 'naughty' kids, but we must also accept that our own actions have an impact on what a child learns/is exposed to. 

As a parent you must look at:

• The friends you have, what do they believe and how do they treat their children?
• Your own beliefs
• What you watch in front of your children
• What you say in front of your children

If inappropriate material is not supposed to be seen by your child, don't watch it on your phone when your child is there, don't speak about such in their presence, and don't keep it lying around, or take them to places where it is allowed. Your actions should speak louder than words, children learn by your actions. I have a friend who doesn't allow her children to have sweets/juice, they must have fruits and water. The rule doesn't only apply in her house and in their lunchboxes, they are not allowed even at their relatives' homes. So now her daughter naturally orders water wherever she goes and is confident to turn down a glass of juice if offered,  because she knows it is not allowed and it is a clear rule in her head. That is what we need to do with our children, to empower them with clear rules that apply wherever they go. If they see someone watching an inappropriate video, they know to walk away

We cannot always be with our children 24/7 but we must raise them to know that wherever they are, they will be alright.  

• Know your child's friends
• Know your child's interests
• Know your child's character
• Spend time with your child
• Speak openly with your child

Do not let your child become a victim of abuse or peer pressure. Empower them with wisdom and the confidence to love themselves just as they are.

Till Next Monday

Stay Blessed

Tafi

#beingaparent

Teaching Sex Education to 7 to 10 Year Olds

While researching around this topic I saw that some schools have a curriculum that they call 'growing up' or ''our bodies'', I found that to be a nicer way of approaching the subject.  The less awkward, the better for everyone, the parent and the child. It is such a tough subject, I actually feel quite uncomfortable talking about it because I picture myself having this talk with my children very soon....

Children between 7 and 10 are interested in how their bodies will change and how to handle friendships and bullies.  Here are some things should know by this age:

• They should also know what the role of sexuality is in relationships. 
• Children should know about the basic social conventions of privacy, nudity, and respect for others in relationships. 
• Children should be taught the basics about puberty towards the end of this age span, as a number of children will experience some pubertal development before age 10. 
• Children’s understanding of human reproduction​ should continue. This may include the role of sexual intercourse.

Peer pressure comes into play at this stage. Children may be pressured to 'try' things or experiment. If your child does not have the basic understanding of his/her body and knowing what is allowed and what isn't allowed, you will find your child being a victim of an experiment; they will feel the need to try certain things in order to fit in.

You will also find that some of the children nowadays develop faster than others; their body can start changing faster than their peers and they won't understand why. Not only will this confuse your child but it will also confuse their peers and make them curious. If your child isn't the one going through the changes, he/she will feel they have something wrong with them because they aren't changing. It is important to make sure your child understand what is going on and to embrace the changes, to be proud that they are changing and growing. For those that haven't started developing, they must be told their time will come and it will be at the right time.  Self esteem issues come into play here and it is important to let your child know that they are normal and loved and should not be ashamed of who they are.

So in a nutshell:

• Do not shut your child out or prevent them from asking questions,
• Teach your child to understand BOUNDARIES and PRIVACY with regards to their bodies,
• Teach your child about puberty,
• Aim to be your child's FIRST source for information 

Till next Monday

Stay Blessed

Tafi

Teaching Sex Education to 3-6 Years Olds

It was definitely an uncomfortable conversation for me. Just saying the word 'sex' was sooo hard on radio. I was so conscious on parents who had kids in the car listening.  Patience found it so hilarous

So this age group is so innocent and straight forward, they ask it as they see it, they do not mince their words. 'Mommy what is sex?' 'Where do babies come from?" "Mommy why do parents kiss?'These guys are the hardest to speak to and to also lie to because they will remember what you said. You also have to be sure not to say too much or too little.  This is the first of many conversations you will have about this, so do it well. Here are some points:

1. Be honest. Explain in a way that you are able to build on the conversation as they grow. Do not be like Patience who suggested you tell them babies come from an egg and a seed, can you imagine what the children will be thinking when they see a tomato seed and or a sunflower seed, and they take an egg from the kitchen and try to make a baby??? No no no please...We did tease Patience on the show and one of our listeners even said that was a lame one...sorry Patience.  Maybe say babies come from a mom and dad who are in love. Make sure you emphasise that a baby is made out of love and that it is not just something anyone can do any time. 

2. Do not avoid the question. Answer the question and this will let your child know that they can ask you anything and anytime. You want to be their first preference for information and knowledge and that what you say is golden. This will avoid them being influenced by other children/parents/sources

3.Emphasise the importance of privacy. Your child should not see nudity as something that can be done anywhere around anyone. If your child walks in on you changing, do not scare them off and  shout. Hopefully you would have spoken to them about noone seeing them naked, so you remind them of this and that they shouldnt see you naked as well

4. Follow up on some of your answers to make sure they have understood. This will make sure you have answered what your child was really asking and it will also et your child know that you were listening and they can trust you and they can come and ask you something again.

Its a tough discussion and it is not something you can escape from, but you can and MUST do it right!

I hope this has helped someone out there

Till next Monday

Stay Blessed

Tafi

#beingaparent

The Importance Of Teaching Your Child About Uderstanding Their Body

I think the first thing I must share with you all is that at a very young age, children understand alot about being a boy and being a girl.  At the ages of  and 3, children start realising their 'differences' from the other sex. Then between 3 and 5, you will find your children playing 'house' ie playing mommy and daddy or saying they have a boyfriend or girlfriend at preschool. From the age of 6, they have outside influences being their friends, cousins, TV, internet, that expose them to more about who they are as a boy/girl.

Now, having this background, you can see that from a young age, our kids are learning and absorbing. Whether we expose them to alot or not, they are still going to learn about who they are; therefore it is important to make sure that we teach our children early about who they are

Here are a few reasons why it is important to talk to them about who they are:
1. They are growing and learning, and you should be their source of information

2. It creates an opportunity to develop and open relationship with your child in preparation for puberty. Your child will feel comfortable enough to approach you with any question on anything.

3. Your child knows the importance of their body and their body parts. Therefore they will not allow anyone to 'disrespect' their body by touching them inappropriately.

4. It will prevent your child from being sexually abused by educating them. They will know who is allowed to see them naked and what parts are not allowed to be touched.

5. It helps you understand the maturity of your child. Some children are naive and some are really switched on. You can see what you can expose your child to and what they can handle

Sexual abuse is not done by strangers, it is done by people that your child knows. Depending on the relationship with your child, the abuser can either make it seem normal, or they can threaten them.

A child's self esteem over their body all depends on what they have learnt or seen growing up. If they have been told to be ashamed of their body, they may be vulnerable to abusers who tell them they are beautiful. If they grow up being over confident with their body and exposing parts of their body, they may be misunderstood as being loose and/or available. It is therefore important to find that balance for a child to respect their body and to love themselves. And it all depends on you the parent.

Next week we shall go into detail of how you have this discussion and what age.

Its a serious and uncomfortable topic, but its better to be safe than sorry

Till Next Monday

Stay Blessed

Tafi

Managing Your Expectations Of Your Child's Teacher

Happy New Year everyone! Happy start of the term to all Zimbabwean parents! It has been a crazy start, but I am grateful yesterday it only rained much later in the day. It was a bright start to the term! Now we need the rain...lol

Grade 0, Grade 1, Form 1 are all the toughest years for parents. New school or first term at a formal school, we all have expectations for our children and from the teacher. We all want what is best for our child, but we also are not too sure who is supposed to take what role in raising our children. This is where a lot of parents get it wrong and have issues with the teachers.

Who teaches your child manners?

Who teaches your child respect?

Who teaches your child what is right from wrong?

To what extent is your child's performance the teacher's fault?

To what extent do you believe you should be involved in your child's schoolwork?

I heard a story of a mother who went to the teacher and said her child is rude and disrespectful and why hasn't she done anything about it? The teacher looked at the mother and said 'my job is to teach your child academically, not to raise your child for you'.  I had mixed feelings about it, I thought its partly true but I also thought, if my child is at school from 730am till 5pm, shouldn't the school teach the child some values? BUT at the same time, this is 1 individual looking after 27 - 40 children in a class, all with different cultures, backgrounds and rules; if I were her, would I be able to handle each child's needs and be sensitive to their upbringing? I don't think so. I would however ensure that each child has basic manners and learns respect, but to what extent I would instil it, I really do not know. It is hard being a teacher I think. Yes, the school has basic values and morals, but should the school discipline each child until they are in line, or should the parent also play a role? What happens when you have a parent that says stick to academics and leave discipline to me, what do you do then?

I think as parents we should remember the following things:

1. That is MY child and therefore my responsibility.

2. The school is there to do what I cannot do in terms of education and social skills.

3. I must play an active role in my child's education and not leave it to the teacher.

4. I must not expect the teacher to play my role as the parent. I chose that school (hopefully) for the reason that their morals and values are in line with what I want for my family, therefore I must complement what they teach.

5. I must be open as a parent to allow the teacher to approach me should my child be disrespectful or disruptive etc. (This helps the teacher to feel that you are willing to fix the problem and thus work with you to fix the problem)

These are just some thoughts we shared on the show, at the end of the day that is your child and it is important to know more about your child and get involved. Do not leave it all to the teacher

The school definitely has to handle issues that affect the performance of the children eg bullying, and I am not saying they must ignore or turn a blind eye, but it is something that you should not expect for them to solve alone.

WORK TOGETHER, FOR IT TAKES A VILLAGE TO RAISE A CHILD, BUT YOU MUST BE ACTIVE IN RAISING YOUR CHILD

New Year, New Approach To How You Raise Your Children

Till Next Monday

Stay Blessed

Tafi

Disclaimer: These views are strictly the views of me as a parent. Nothing is set in stone to say you should follow my thoughts.

Nuggets from 2017

                                             

It has been an interesting year discussing the various topics around parenting. On a personal level I learnt alot. Being a parent you learn ON THE GO, literally, and each child is different. Preparing for our Monday talks got me to look at the people around me alot more, and look at how they raise their children. I also analysed my own children more, and how my parenting has defined who they are. It was also nice sharing experiences with Patience, who is the parent of an older child to my own. 

As we come to a close, I just though to share a few key points that we discussed in the various topics that we discussed this year:

1. Put your child first! 

- Do not be selfish, do not use your child to get your way, do not ignore your child's need/ neglect them

2.  Be Alert!
In this world of technology, be alert at all times as to what your child is doing,watching/exposed to 

3. Know who your child interacts with

- Some children are allowed to watch anything/ get anything they want...It may not be to your child's best interests

4. Accept the uniqueness of your children

- Do not compare your child to anyone else. Your child is special and must be loved in their own special way.

5. Do not have favorites!

- Noone wants to be the child that was not favored, and noone wants to be around the bratty child that gets their way

6. Be cautious of your parenting style

- Research well to understand the pros and cons of the way you choose to parent. The repercussions may only be seen when they are older

7. Your child must know there are boundaries

- Every child wants to know they are loved. If you allow a child to do whatever, whenever, they could rebel and act out to get your attention, hoping you will tell them no. 

8. Do not overcompensate by spoiling

- Children need love and time, not material things

9. Tell your child you love them as many times in a day as you can

- This boosts their self-esteem and makes them more confident in all they try achieve

10. Do not ignore learning disabilities

- You need to know how to deal with them and how to help your child. Do not be that parent in denial

11.  When there is a crisis in the home, your child feels it

- Children that bully, that fight, that act out at school, that shy away, that do not eat or eat alot, are crying out for attention. If you are fighting with your spouse, your spouse doesnt come home, or you are divorcing, do not assume that your child does not see and understand. The acting out may not be just a 'difficult child'

12. SHOW AFFECTION TO YOUR CHILD AND ENCOURAGE THEM ALWAYS

- It makes such a big difference to their character

The love of a parent is the first love that a child knows...always remember that and always cherish that 

I hope you will have a wonderful end to 2017 and a beautiful start to 2018

Till NEXT YEAR, I pray you stay well, stay blessed and fill your homes with love and happiness every day, every hour

Stay Blessed

Tafi

#beingaparent

Blended Families

This is a type of family that is becoming so common nowadays with the rate of divorce in Zimbabwe. It is also a type of family that can go wrong really quickly because noone has really taken the time to understand what it means and what it involves. It is not an easy one to build unless you are both in sync with your partner in terms of how you define your family.

"A blended family or stepfamily forms when you and your partner make a life together with the children from one or both of your previous relationships" (helpguide.org)

Just looking at that definition, I see so many elements that affect this union, that people need to be aware of when they get together. You have the children, you have the exes, you have your partner's parenting style and your parenting style. Each of these if not understood and handled well, could affect the success of your blended family.

So let's look at each element:

1. The children

• These children may have hopes that their parents will get back together, so they could get into this family with resentment toward the new parent. You have to be sensitive to that, aware to it, and not take it personally
• Your partner will have a close bond to their child that you cannot break and should not break. Your aim is to ensure there is no favoritism
• A child that lives with you full time is different from a child who lives with you sometimes, or some days and lives with the other parent the other times. The rules you set may be difficult to implement
• The children from both sides have to learn to adjust to living together. This may take time or it may be instant, or it may never work. Your level of influence on this relationship may be limited because they have to develop it on their own
• The age of the children when you form your family makes a major difference. Children below the age of 10 will adjust easily. They just want a happy situation and will have the attention of their parent due to their age. They are happy if they do not lose their parent's attention. Between 10 and 14 the children will have a better understanding of what is happening and may resist the new family.  They are also quite sensitive and reserved with their feelings. Over 14, the children may not be as involved in the new family and will keep to themselves.
• Boys versus girls react differently. Boys are protective of their mothers, so they may warm up to the new mom much later, and they may feel they are the man of the house to the new dad. Girls are close to their fathers, and may thus fight for their father's attention with the new mom and also warm up to the new dad overtime.

2. The exes

• There is the ex that is very involved in the child's life. The rules you may want to set in your new family may  require a good relationship with the ex or complimenting  parenting styles
• Respect will make it easier for you to handle the ex. Whether you get along or not, respecting each other will make your new family even better

3. Parenting Styles

• When you start dating, it is important to understand your parenting styles. If you are both parents, it makes it easier to see how you can relate because you have practical experience. If one of you is not a parent, its really wishful speech how you would intend to parent, because this could change once you are married and a full time parent overnight.  

• Speak about your boundaries and no-go areas when it comes to what you allow in your new family 
• Also speak about having no favoritism. Children should be treated the same

Each of these are important in any relationship, but especially in a blended family

• Respect
• Communication 
• Patience
• Love
• Boundaries 
• Rules
• Unconditional Love 
• A sense of humor

Every family member will need time to settle into the new family, and it would be nice if everyone changed at the same time, unfortunately it doesnt happen like that. And it is important to know that someone can be ok with the union today, but upset with it tomorrow, and that is normal

It doesn't matter how a family is formed, we have limited control over it, what is important is to create a happy, STABLE, family for the children. Play your part to focus on the children and to ensure they grow up happy and stable.

Till next Monday

Stay Blessed!

Tafi

#beingaparent

Reference: https://www.helpguide.org/articles/parenting-family/step-parenting-blended-families.htm