6 Reasons to Spend One-on-One Time With Each of Your Kids

If you were from a big family you would understand how one on one time with your parents was something you really wished for. It made a difference if just you and mum went to the shops together or you and dad washed the car together.  Just as it was something you cherished as a child, so does your child. So try and set aside time for each of your children. 

Why is it important?

1. Your child can open up without having to fight for your attention. It allows your child to be his/her true self and let you know what he/she likes or thinks without any pressure. 

2. It lest your child know that you love them, as they are, and you value what they say and think as a person

3. It gives you time to understand your child's character.  Sometimes you may think a child has a certain behavior/character based on how the child behaves in a group setting, which is most probably incorrect

4.  It shows you do not have a favorite

5. Your child becomes more confident because they feel that they are being heard

So much character building happens in the early years of a child's life. Try not to miss it, be a major part of it

Till next Monday...be happy

#beingaparent

Keeping Your Relationship Strong after Kids

When children come along there is a tendency for couples to lose focus on themselves. The focus can turn from each other to the children.  What couples forget is that in a few years the children will be gone off to boarding school or University, which will force the couple to focus back on the two of them.  To avoid rekindling after years, I have a few tips to try and keep the fire going:

1. Set aside time in the day to catch up.  The schedule of the children should not be too crazy to not give you enough time to catch up.  Your child's sleep routine could be adjusted to make some time for you and your partner.

2. No Gadgets Time: Try have some time with no interruptions from your phones or laptops or TV.  That time that you plan could be once or twice a week where you can plan a fun one hour activity together where it is just the two of you, even if it is washing the dishes, preparing supper or taking a walk together.

3. Do not focus on the small issues. Emotions can be really high when you have a child; your wife may be tired from the change of pattern, your husband may feel lonely and tired from work, leading to both parties being irritable. Take the time to do the small things for each other. Surprise her with her favorite chocolate, surprise him by leaving a note in his care/bag to remind him you love him. It makes the day bearable.

4. Bond with the children. Do something together with the children that both of you used to do.  This gives you time to see how your partner is around the children and you grow together as parents.

It isn't bad to want to include your children in some of your activities, but make sure it is something that your partner wants to do as well when it comes to sharing their time with the children.

Just try and remind each other what made you fall in love

Till next Monday...be happy

#beingaparent

The Long Term Effects On Children Of Being The Favored Or Unfavored Child

 So many women I speak to actually think it is ok to have a favorite and they actually make it quite obvious. But do we ever stop to think about the effects on our children?

Some of the reason parents have a favorite are the sex of the child, the child may have similar interests as the parent, the child may remind the parent of a favorite relative.  Sometimes a parent can reenact a sibling rivalry from their childhood without knowing it. 

So some of the effects on the favored child may be:
- A failure to  empathise or have morals as an adult.  They believe they are invincible and people must appreciate who they are, due to the favored treatment they received as a child

- As adults they do not believe that rules apply to them. They have always been given concessions and believe again that they are invincible

Effects on the unfavored child are:
- Low self esteem due to the fact that they grew up trying to be seen or heard, seeking affection and not receiving it. They feel as if they are undeserving of love and thus attract partners that make them feel they must work for their affection

- They may have low aspirations and may suffer from depression as they may feel they were not worth much to their parents as they were growing up

What is important as a parent is to realise that you have a favorite, and to try and not make it so obvious to the children.  Allow your children to express to you how they feel. Do not brush it off or shut them up because you do not want to discuss the issue.  How you see things and how your child sees things can be very different, and it is very important to realise that and let them say how they feel.

More things to think about and consider as a parent....sigh 

Till next Monday...be happy

#beingaparent

Types of Parenting Styles and How To Identify Yours

This topic really struck a nerve with me because I always used to read styles of parenting looking at it from a parent's point of view, not the view of a child, who really is the important person in all this.  I always tell my friends to pick a parenting style that works for them because we all have to do what we can handle. Now I think I have to change my advice and tell people to choose a style after understanding its effects on our children in the long term.

So on the show, we briefly discussed each style and its effects.  The information below we got from Developmental Psychology at Vanderbilt

Authoritative

ü  High expectations that they have of their children,

ü  This type of parenting creates the healthiest environment for a growing child, and helps to foster a productive relationship between parent and child.

• Does your child’s day have structure to it, such as a planned bedtime and understood household rules?
• Are there consequences for disrupting this structure or breaking the household rules?
• Does your child understand the expectations that you have for their behavior, and are these

expectations reasonable?

• Do you have a healthy and open line of communication with your child? That is, does your child feel that they can speak to you about anything without fear of negative consequence or harsh judgment?

One of the most important traits to emulate in the authoritative parenting style is the open communication style with the child.

Neglectful

ü  The most harmful style

Consider the following:

• Do you care for your child’s needs—emotional, physical, and otherwise?
• Do you have an understanding of what is going on in your child’s life?
• Does the home provide a safe space for the child where they can share their experiences and expect positive feedback rather than negative or no feedback?
• Do you spend long periods of time away from home, leaving the child alone?
• Do you often find yourself making excuses for not being there for your child?
• Do you know your child’s friends? Teachers?
• Are you involved in your child’s life outside the home?

Neglectful parenting is damaging to children, because

ü  they have no trust foundation with their parents from which to explore the world.

ü  children who have a negative or absent relationship with their parent will have a harder time forming relationships with other people, particularly children their age.

Permissive

ü  Another potentially harmful style of parenting. These parents are responsive but not demanding.

ü  These parents tend to be lenient while trying to avoid confrontation. The benefit of this parenting style is that they are usually very nurturing and loving.

ü  This lack of structure causes these children to grow up with little self-discipline and self-control. Some parents adopt this method as an extreme opposite approach to their authoritarian upbringing, while others are simply afraid to do anything that may upset their child.

• Do you not have set limits or rules for your child? Do you often compromise  your rules to accommodate your child’s mood?
• Do you avoid conflict with your child?
• Do you have a willingness to be your child’s best friend rather than their parent?
• Do you often bribe your child to do things with large rewards?

• Other damaging effects of permissive parenting include:
• insecurity in children from of lack of set boundaries
• poor social skills, such as sharing, from lack of discipline
• self-centeredness
• poor academic success from lack of motivation
• clashing with authority

Authoritarian

ü  Strict parenting

ü  parents who are demanding but not responsive.

ü  Authoritarian parents allow for little open dialogue, expect children to follow a strict set of rules and expectations.

ü  They usually rely on punishment to demand obedience or teach a lesson.

• Do you have very strict rules that you believe should be followed no matter what?
• Do you often find yourself offering no explanations for the rules other than “Because I said so?”
• Do you give your child few choices and decisions about their own life?
• Do you find yourself utilizing punishment as a means of getting your child to do what you ask?
• Are you reserved in the amount of warmth and nurturing you show your child?

Children of authoritarian parents are prone to having

ü  low self-esteem,

ü  being fearful or shy,

ü  associating obedience with love,

ü  having difficulty in social situations, and possibly misbehaving when outside of parental care. 

  https://my.vanderbilt.edu/developmentalpsychologyblog/2013/12/types-of-parenting-styles-and-how-to-identify-yours/


 I hope this will also make you think of your current parenting style and if you need to change it to make your child more confident 

Till next Monday...be happy

#beingaparent

How fathers influence our children and their relationships

  
                                                     



So many parents think that the mother is the most important person in the early years of a child; that is not the case. A child needs both mother and father.  

Look at it this way, the first man your daughter is exposed to is their father, he determines how she will relate with men and how she believes a man should treat her.  The absence of the father has led to many women having 'daddy issues' and also looking for a father figure in a man.

 A boy needs their father for guidance. The parent that allows rough play is usually the father. Us mothers tend to be very protective. The father will allow the boy to be more adventurous, to be a man and to take responsibility.  Through their father, boys also learn how to treat a woman and how to respect a woman.  Most men who cannot handle responsibility as a father or husband can link their issues to not having a father around to guide them.

I am sure you can look at yourself as a parent and see how having your father around made you the kid of parent you are now, or could have made you a better parent? 

It has also been proven that having a father involved leads to a child being more confident and successful. Knowing their father gives them a sense of security and they are emotionally secure. They excel at school and confident to try anything

Sexual activity as a teenager has been linked to the absence of a father in the child's life.  The Huffington Post said a recent study showed that involved dads have twice the influence as moms on reducing teen sex.  Children without fathers were twice as likely to be involved in early sexual activity and seven times more likely to get pregnant as adolescents.

Parenting is definitely not just for mothers and it is important to understand that. Whether divorced/separated/having issues/married/married with issues, fathers you need to be active in your children's lives, and mothers, do not stop the relationship from developing. Let the children develop their relationship with their fathers.

Let us help raise happy, confident children!

Till next Monday...be happy

#beingaparent