How Do I Handle My Child Being A Bully?

It is not easy for any parent to be told that their child is a bully, you obviously start to question where you went wrong as a parent. Bullying not only affects the victim, but it is also most of the time a cry from the bully for attention from their parent.

How do you react when you are confronted by your child's teacher or by a parent that your child bullied someone? Some parents become defensive, naturally, and others become very concerned and try to solve the issue.  The defensive reaction isn't wrong, I would probably react the same way initially because I would never want to hear that my child is hurting someone else ever. I know some parents then look for 'dirt' on the other kid to prove that their child is not bad, that again is a Mother Hen reaction.  Whatever your initial reaction is, it doesn't matter; what matters is what you do about what you have been told. Are you going to ignore the issue or are you going to investigate it further? 

The main point every parent should know is that bullying is a cry for help/attention. I do not believe children are born naughty, I believe their environment determines their behaviour.  It becomes a way to protect themselves or to assert themselves in a situation. 

So why do kids bully?

• They are being bullied at home or at school
• They are unhappy at home with new developments eg a divorce/separation, new sibling, arguing in the home, parent not being home, not getting enough attention at home
• They have a physical disability and fear being mocked, therefore become defensive
• They were bullied as a kid and are now becoming more assertive to avoid being bullied again
• They are seeking attention from the teacher and can't seem to find any other way to get it

How to proceed

Understand that you not only have to speak to your child, but the teacher/parent as well. 

The first step is to get the full story from the parent/teacher and let the, know  that you will speak to your child and understand what is happening. 

• You have been approached to do something about the issue, so it is important to let them know that you are  on top of the situation. 
• Should you not communicate, some parents will then feel that they have to take the matter into their own hands to protect their child, and escalate the issue to the teacher/headmaster or confront your child directly. For the sake of your child and relationships at the school, let's try to avoid these reactions and be proactive.
• No matter how upset/disrespected you feel by the allegation, make sure you say you will look into it.

The next step is to speak to your child and tell them what you were told and ask them if this is what happened.

• Do not accuse them of doing what you have been told they did, approach it in a way of wanting to understand what happened.
• Some children get defensive, say no, and refuse to discuss it further. With such a reaction, you will need to give your child time to open up. Do not be angry but show them that you care and are worried for them.

If the story is true and they admit to what they did, you then ask why they did it and if it has occurred before. 

• Understanding why is so important, as it will help solve the problem
• If it is a school issue, then you take the necessary steps to speak to the teacher to see how you and the teacher can work together to help your child 
• If it is an issue at home, more work has to be done by you the parent

If the environment at home is affecting your child, you need to look at how to fix it. Are you constantly arguing with your spouse in front of your child? Are you giving your child the attention they need? Is your child being bullied at home? Your actions affect your child. Your emotional state also affects your child. Be more aware of your actions.

Let your child know that you love them, care for them and are there for them to talk about anything. Your child needs that attention from you and an open relationship. If your child is fulfilled emotionally, they will become more balanced at  home and at school

Your child needs to know that their behaviour was not good and that there are consequences for such behaviour.  They must also apologise to the child they bullied either face to face or via a letter. This will teach them to be accountable for their actions, and it also repairs the relationship should the apology be sincere.  

The parent/teacher who informed you of the incident, must also be told of the outcome of the discussion. The details may not be necessary, but hopefully the apology will suffice for the parent/teacher. 

Our children reflect our lives as parents, and we must be aware and more cautious of what we say and do in front of them. We must be more accountable for our actions to be able to raise responsible citizens of this world.

Till Next Monday

Stay Blessed

Tafi

#beingaparent

The Importance Of Teaching Our Kids To Give Back

Our children are growing up with access to so much more than we had. As parents, we naturally want to give our children a better life than we had, but do we realise what that actually does to our children? 

• They believe they are entitled
• They believe they can get anything they want at any time
• They do not feel the need to be responsible, why? Because Mom/Dad will replace it or fix it
• They do not appreciate what they have nor do they see the need to think of others

A few months ago, a group of us decided to put a few items together and give to those less fortunate than ourselves, anyone we felt drawn to give to. I decided to go with my children for them to see and understand that there are people who do not have what they have. I thought it best to bless street children, who were closer in age to my children, so I got my children to take items from their wardrobes that were warm to give.  We went together and met with the street kids and my children gave them the clothes. We met with a number of young boys and girls, and they were so grateful for the few items that they got. Without even asking my children what they experienced, they were already planning on getting more clothes to give more children, and planning on doing it every month. They realised how much they have and how much these kids actually need, which to me was an amazing lesson.  They are more grateful for what they have and they pray for the homeless every day without fail now. 

Our children must learn to give back:

• To realise that they do not live in a privileged bubble and ignore what is around them;
• To learn to think of others and not just themselves;
• To learn from a young age to give back and to understand the importance of giving back (to be compassionate);
• To appreciate what they have and to be responsible with their belongings;
• To raise responsible citizens of this world that will grow to make this world a better place by becoming more considerate of others and our actions

How they ended up on the streets or struggling, we may never know, but it is not for us to judge, but to help. Give them clothes, pay their school fees, give them books to read, or pray with them. It may seem small to you, but just one of those actions can make a huge difference to someone, and it will also show your child that sometimes it doesn't have to be a huge gift or gesture, it could be something small that they can do on their own. 

We can't change the world immediately, but through small acts of kindness and responsibility, we can make a difference. We must work to raise considerate children who think of others and who show love in any way they can. The way the world turns out is in our hands, let us be conscious of what we teach our children.

Till Next Monday,

Stay Blessed and safe

Tafi

#beingaparent

#givingback

The Power Of A Parent

Many parents believe that they are at the mercy of their children; their days are run by their child. Some parents feel they need to let their child grow into their own character, and not influence or affect the process. Not making decisions for your children and allowing them to decide as they go along is not beneficial to your child.

The way we raise our children depends on how we were raised.

• If you were raised in a strict household and you didn't like it, you will be more lenient with your children and try to be more of a friend than a parent to them
• If you were raised in a strict household and you believe it worked for you, you will raise your children the same
• If you were raised in a home with relaxed rules and you made your own decisions, if it worked for you, you would apply the same parenting style to your children. If it didn't work for you and you felt you needed more guidance and structure, you would be more strict.

What is interesting to note is that this all goes around with the next generation, they could do the opposite of what you did in terms of how you raised them.

Children are guided by us the adults. Yes it is true that each child has their own interests and we must try and nurture them to become their own people, but how do they become their own people without guidance? How are they expected to reason at such a young age? Learning through experience works, but is it necessary at such a young age? If you want them to learn that way, maybe explain the possible outcomes of their actions, then let them make an informed decision for themselves.

Try not to be controlled by your children; also try not to be too strict a parent. Find a balance that works for both of you where you both know who the parent is in the relationship.

Your child becomes who they are because of how you raised them, what you exposed them to, and what you taught them

Be the parent, raise your child 

Till Next Monday

Stay Blessed

Tafi

#beingaparent