Does Rewarding Our Children For Doing Chores Teach Them Good Values?

'Why should I reward my child for doing what she is supposed to do?'

'They have a roof over their heads, and I feed them, that is their reward'

'I bribe because I honestly do not have the strength to fight with them. I need the job done'

'This teaches kids to bribe when they are older, I say NO!'

'What kind of parenting is that?'

'It teaches them to bargain I think, they become wiser when they grow up'

'My mother tried it with us, and we ended up taking her for a ride. She stopped that very fast!'

You are privileged to do chores...you get food , a roof over your head and clothes on your back..ok..I will cut you some slack... Have some ma freezit


 I think paying them to help out might teach them about earning but I think it's more valuable to teach them that helping one another makes a happy home/ heart, so the weight is not on one individual and that service to others is so much better than only helping out if u gain money or rewards , our job is to teach our children as young as possible empathy, kindness ,respect, love and service to others and that to give without expectation leaves u feeling full , the concept of working hard for your money will be something they learn from the example watching thier parents they see how hard you work , and they too will do the same

 My mom used to do that to my brother and me. With age we started becoming entitled. She had to stop the payments and put the fear of God into our hearts for us to do our chores without grumbling

 I reward them by letting them stay under my roof for free! And I remind them daily, lest they become entitled.. Chores are how they pay for their school fees.. (I'm pretty sure they'll put me in a retirement home when I'm old 🤣🤣🤣)

 Reward ain’t about money 💰 only

 I think for basics like making their bed no but for ironing or taxing work teaches them that hard work leads to profit

My personal choice would be not to give monetary reward. I'm planning on converting it into time saved.. "free time if you will. Minutes towards screen time, play time etc

 I think it teaches them good values - you have to work for what you want. I don’t however think it needs to always be a monetary amount. We have a stamp system. He accumulates enough stamps he gets to have/do something within a set budget. We also do the tidy up all your toys then you can have tv time. If he really wants to watch tv he does it😜

 I think chores in the home should be standard. But maybe put them in categories. Washing dishes, cleaning your room, making your bed... should be standard. No payment. Washing the car, pay the kids. As much as you want them to learn about value of work and money you still want them to learn general respect and responsibility in the house so when they live alone they maintain a recently clean house


Mmmm reward? I don’t reward them with money, I think it’s important for them to learn that sometimes one just has to grind because that’s how stuff gets done. You don’t always get a monetary reward for your grind




These are some of the responses we got when I shared it  on my Facebook page and when we talked about it on the show. Its interesting to see how different we all are, how we parent differently, which makes the world and interesting place.

I personally feel rewarding in whatever way is not good. I reward for school performance, and I encourage and praise when they do chores around the house. It is important to let kids know they are doing well and they have done a good job. Making a bed at a young age isn't easy, but imagine how happy your child will be when you tell them they have done a good job and they are getting better at it. It will push them to want to keep doing it I believe.

We all do what works for us and our kids, let's make sure we do what works positively for our kids in the long run

Till Next Monday

Stay Blessed


Tafi

#beingaparent

Have Our Parenting Styles Evolved?

When I was growing up, life was completely different: 

• we had telephones that we called landlines which is how we communicated with our friends and family which were locked, you couldn't just call anyone and raise the bill
• we wrote letters to our friends and family. Letters were how we survived at boarding school, it was always exciting to receive a letter every week, and write one back. 
• TV started at 330pm so we spent more time outside than inside since there was nothing to do inside. You knew what you were allowed to watch 
• We read a lot more, I remember I had a whole collection of Nancy Drew books and I would swap with my friends if they had a book I hadn't read. We would go to the library and read for an hour and then leave with a book that we would return a week later. There was so much to do. 
• homework would be done at school or the moment we would get home, and somehow my parents trusted that it was done and it was correct because I do not remember homework being something they stressed about. 
• I remember my friends saying when a certain programme started, I think it was Santa Barbara, you KNEW it was time for bed. You would just get up and say goodnight and go straight to bed....lol....
• Many parent used 'the eye' to communicate if they were not happy with something you were doing, especially in public, and it worked!! You would stop IMMEDIATELY!!! I call that effective parenting. You somehow knew what to do, and what you weren't allowed to do. 
• you knew where you were allowed to go and where you were not allowed to go. It wasn't as seamless.  

I am sure for most of our parents we gave them a few headaches here and there, it wasn't as rosey and easy as I have written it. But the rules were there, the foundation was set. 

When I look at how we raise our kids now,

• every electronic gadget possible is in the house and in the car to ensure they are entertained
• TV is on from morning until the children sleep
• books? not a necessity nowadays, unless it is a school book that they have to read
• not many parents are strict on what their children watch and listen to
• they have TVs in their rooms and can spend the whole day watching TV or playing PlayStation
• they are not afraid of us! they push their boundaries because they know they can and we won't do much or be as strict
• they have cellphones at a young age
• we have to check if they have done their homework or actually leave work or set aside time to do it with them
• they get their way most of the time

Have we changed how we raise our kids? If so, why?

Is it because of technology that we feel our children need to be entertained?

Is it because we are lazy that we need to find things to entertain our children?

Is it because we need to fit in with society that we are lenient with our children?

Is it because we do not have time to parent?

Is it because we never had much and so we want our children to have the best?

Is it because we were raised by strict parents, and thus do not want to be strict with our kids?

Is it because society has said we need to let our children express themselves and be who they want to be and let them explore and find themselves?

I believe we have changed how we raise our kids, but to say why, I cannot, as it seems to be different with each household. I can speak for myself and say I am strict in certain things and lenient in some because my days can get full, and I run out of time. But I try to make sure I spend as much quality time with them as I can

Let's try and look at how we raise our kids and see what we can change for the better. Our children reflect who we are, let's remember that

Till Next Monday

Stay Blessed

Tafi

#responsibleparenting

Tactics To Survive Bed Time

Beginning of term is such a tough time for parents, getting kids back into the sleep routine. Some parents maintain the same sleep routine for school and holiday, which I must commend, its all about discipline and consistency. 

The nice thing is that we are not alone! So many parents struggle with the same thing, and some were kind enough to share how they get around the madness of getting a sleep routine. I must say some are hilarious, and some are quite interesting: 

I just say it’s bed time and they got to their room, next thing I know they are asleep

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Just give them the eye. It works, my mom used it on us. Im 40 and i still go to bed at 8pm

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Routine works for us. Switch of tv. brush teeth, bath go to bed.

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Its a struggle supper is always at 6. i make mine go to bed at 7 so that they brush their teeth and pray and they are asleep by 8. House rules include who ever jumps out of bed is punished if i hear anyone talking you are punished coz its at bed time where funny requests start coming like can I have some water? My leg is sore or the other one did this n that but Friday they can do pungwe if they want.Holiday bed time is 8 .The last week b4 schools open we revert bk to 7.

Routine helps. Turning off devices and TV, even just dimming the house as well. From the time they eat supper I'm talking about bed and tomorrow. Then I give them some free non TV time - then it's time to brush teeth (at that point everyone knows it's game over!) Then bed

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 I send them to their beds...after all pre - bedtime time protocol has been observed...once they are in bed..I give them 15 -20 minutes ..of reading time and turn off the lights..it's up to them whether they sleep or not....

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I firstly tell them it’s bed time in 20min then count down every 5min. Then at 1min I start asking them to walk to their rooms. If I’m not seeing responsiveness I read “the riot act” which includes threats for no WiFi and no TV or video games for the entire month (usually after this, everyone has started dreaming in 5mins) but if not, I follow through on my threats and the lesson is learnt....

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Have a routine they can follow its easier to adjust. They should have supper on time. Go and brush teeth, read a story, pray and lights out. Have a routine for the whole day and be consistent.

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they shld play hard during the day

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Remove stimulants

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Switch of the TV and let them play hard during the day...am not yet a parent though but this worked on me as a child

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I e been sleep training Nailah from when she was 2 months old. She is 6 now still takes a 2 hr day nap and is asleep by 8pm (9:30pm on weekends) up at 6 school days and 8am weekends.

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My almost 6 week old has started responding to a routine. ( Of course prior to that it was sleep, wake up to eat, maybe play and repeat whenever she wanted). We started doing feeding, bath, massage and reading to her in that order at 7.30pm.She falls asleep during the reading. When she wakes up to feed at night, I do it quietly with dimmed lights and she falls asleep right after....

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U let them get used to the sleeping time you want them to. And with time they will get used to that time.

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I gave them a bedtime earlier than the target - “bedtime is 8pm” when I’m actually happy with 8.30. Also, we’re most at peace when we can stick with a wind-down routine (gadgets handed in, group reading, pyjama/ toothbrush mission, family reflection, lights off). It gets harder to keep this as they get older - 

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Start bed time 45 mins early. If bed is 8pm. Start routine at 715. By 745 they are done and ready. That way they can chit chat and wind down for 15 mins or so

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I think they need to wind down...not just from Tv to chiendai kunorara izvezvi so...

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Just tell them to go and don’t accept no for an answer, take all gadgets, switch off lights

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I give them the Daddy look of Loco. They just run to bed

Thankyou to all the parents that shared their tactics, they are all different, but most say 'be consistent' in whatever you do

Different methods work for different children, which shows how different we are as human beings and we must always celebrate that.

Please check my Facebook page (Tafadzwa Elaine Mkondo) every Sunday for the next topic that we will discuss on Monday, and please share your thoughts or solutions. Parenting takes a village, and the more thoughts we share together, the more we can help each other 

Till Next Monday

Stay Blessed

Happy Parenting!!

Tafi

Understanding The Risks Involved In Watching Over Someone's Child

I was having a discussion with friends over the weekend about what our children are exposed to and how we are too slow in keeping up with everything. It is easy to control what your child is exposed to when they are in your house, but once they leave your house and go to school or go visiting, you really have no idea what they are learning.  The subject of who our kids are exposed to and what they do then came up. Someone asked ''Are you okay with your child going to the shops with the child minder?'' My answer was ''definitely not'' because I am super protective and I worry about the worst case scenario happening; what if she is hit by a car? What if someone grabs her and runs off? I would probably be in jail for what I would end up doing to the child minder, so I try avoid those situations, hence my kids do not go to the shops without me.

Each person had their own opinion on it, which was interesting to see the different parenting styles, but we all seemed to have the same response to the next question:  ''How would you feel if you gave a friend/relative your children for the day/weekend, and she gave her friend/relative  (that you do not know) your kids and hers to play with?  Would you be okay with that?''  It made us all think, but we all said it isn't okay. That made me actually question what risks are involved when you take someone's child for the day or the night?

So in the scenario above, there are 3 adults involved: the mom (let's call her Anna), the mom's friend/relative (let's call her Sue) and Sue's friend/relative that Anna doesn't know (let's call her Mary).

As a mother,  you will only give your child to people (including relatives) you trust, so let's look at the situation: 

Point #1: Anna gave Sue her children because she trusts Sue, and Sue gave Mary all the children because she trusts Mary.  

Point #2: Mary doesn't know Anna. Should anything happen to Anna's children at Mary's house, who is to blame? 

Point #3: Was Sue wrong in giving Mary the children? Sue's children were there also, so is it an issue? 

Point #4: Should Mary have asked Sue to call Anna for permission? Is that being too paranoid? 

So how can you safeguard yourself?

1. You need to know the type of parent you are dealing with when you agree to watch their child. Some mothers will be understanding should something happen, some mothers need to know where you are going with their child, and some will fume over a small scratch.  

2. It is always safer to speak to the parent first and let them know if they are ok with your plans. Without getting too technical, legally, if anything happens to a child in your care, you could be sued for negligence or ill treatment, hence why schools and play centres and activity centres require the parent to sign an indemnity form, because they know anything can happen and they want the parent to know and agree that things can happen and it is not the institution's fault. You obviously can't make your friend/relative sign an indemnity form, but you can let them know what your plans are to protect yourself should anything happen.  

3. If you have been given someone else's child like in the example above, make sure you speak to the mother and let her know you have her child. She may think its a small issue, or you may find she is upset with the arrangement and will want her child home. At least you asked before you took the child.  

Yes this may all sound too ''extra'' but there have been unfortunate circumstances that have occurred, and it hasn't ended well. A child has gone missing, a child got run, a child got abused. Those may be a few situations, but they have happened, and those mothers' lives have been changed forever.

It is always better to be safe than sorry. If I have someone's child for the day, I tend to avoid public places and crowds, I know I cannot watch all of the kids at the same time.

Let's be cautious with our actions and protect ourselves and our children. We can't always protect them, but at least let's try where we can. 

Till Next Monday,

Stay Blessed

#beingaparent

#childsafety

How Do I Handle My Child Being A Bully?

It is not easy for any parent to be told that their child is a bully, you obviously start to question where you went wrong as a parent. Bullying not only affects the victim, but it is also most of the time a cry from the bully for attention from their parent.

How do you react when you are confronted by your child's teacher or by a parent that your child bullied someone? Some parents become defensive, naturally, and others become very concerned and try to solve the issue.  The defensive reaction isn't wrong, I would probably react the same way initially because I would never want to hear that my child is hurting someone else ever. I know some parents then look for 'dirt' on the other kid to prove that their child is not bad, that again is a Mother Hen reaction.  Whatever your initial reaction is, it doesn't matter; what matters is what you do about what you have been told. Are you going to ignore the issue or are you going to investigate it further? 

The main point every parent should know is that bullying is a cry for help/attention. I do not believe children are born naughty, I believe their environment determines their behaviour.  It becomes a way to protect themselves or to assert themselves in a situation. 

So why do kids bully?

• They are being bullied at home or at school
• They are unhappy at home with new developments eg a divorce/separation, new sibling, arguing in the home, parent not being home, not getting enough attention at home
• They have a physical disability and fear being mocked, therefore become defensive
• They were bullied as a kid and are now becoming more assertive to avoid being bullied again
• They are seeking attention from the teacher and can't seem to find any other way to get it

How to proceed

Understand that you not only have to speak to your child, but the teacher/parent as well. 

The first step is to get the full story from the parent/teacher and let the, know  that you will speak to your child and understand what is happening. 

• You have been approached to do something about the issue, so it is important to let them know that you are  on top of the situation. 
• Should you not communicate, some parents will then feel that they have to take the matter into their own hands to protect their child, and escalate the issue to the teacher/headmaster or confront your child directly. For the sake of your child and relationships at the school, let's try to avoid these reactions and be proactive.
• No matter how upset/disrespected you feel by the allegation, make sure you say you will look into it.

The next step is to speak to your child and tell them what you were told and ask them if this is what happened.

• Do not accuse them of doing what you have been told they did, approach it in a way of wanting to understand what happened.
• Some children get defensive, say no, and refuse to discuss it further. With such a reaction, you will need to give your child time to open up. Do not be angry but show them that you care and are worried for them.

If the story is true and they admit to what they did, you then ask why they did it and if it has occurred before. 

• Understanding why is so important, as it will help solve the problem
• If it is a school issue, then you take the necessary steps to speak to the teacher to see how you and the teacher can work together to help your child 
• If it is an issue at home, more work has to be done by you the parent

If the environment at home is affecting your child, you need to look at how to fix it. Are you constantly arguing with your spouse in front of your child? Are you giving your child the attention they need? Is your child being bullied at home? Your actions affect your child. Your emotional state also affects your child. Be more aware of your actions.

Let your child know that you love them, care for them and are there for them to talk about anything. Your child needs that attention from you and an open relationship. If your child is fulfilled emotionally, they will become more balanced at  home and at school

Your child needs to know that their behaviour was not good and that there are consequences for such behaviour.  They must also apologise to the child they bullied either face to face or via a letter. This will teach them to be accountable for their actions, and it also repairs the relationship should the apology be sincere.  

The parent/teacher who informed you of the incident, must also be told of the outcome of the discussion. The details may not be necessary, but hopefully the apology will suffice for the parent/teacher. 

Our children reflect our lives as parents, and we must be aware and more cautious of what we say and do in front of them. We must be more accountable for our actions to be able to raise responsible citizens of this world.

Till Next Monday

Stay Blessed

Tafi

#beingaparent

The Importance Of Teaching Our Kids To Give Back

Our children are growing up with access to so much more than we had. As parents, we naturally want to give our children a better life than we had, but do we realise what that actually does to our children? 

• They believe they are entitled
• They believe they can get anything they want at any time
• They do not feel the need to be responsible, why? Because Mom/Dad will replace it or fix it
• They do not appreciate what they have nor do they see the need to think of others

A few months ago, a group of us decided to put a few items together and give to those less fortunate than ourselves, anyone we felt drawn to give to. I decided to go with my children for them to see and understand that there are people who do not have what they have. I thought it best to bless street children, who were closer in age to my children, so I got my children to take items from their wardrobes that were warm to give.  We went together and met with the street kids and my children gave them the clothes. We met with a number of young boys and girls, and they were so grateful for the few items that they got. Without even asking my children what they experienced, they were already planning on getting more clothes to give more children, and planning on doing it every month. They realised how much they have and how much these kids actually need, which to me was an amazing lesson.  They are more grateful for what they have and they pray for the homeless every day without fail now. 

Our children must learn to give back:

• To realise that they do not live in a privileged bubble and ignore what is around them;
• To learn to think of others and not just themselves;
• To learn from a young age to give back and to understand the importance of giving back (to be compassionate);
• To appreciate what they have and to be responsible with their belongings;
• To raise responsible citizens of this world that will grow to make this world a better place by becoming more considerate of others and our actions

How they ended up on the streets or struggling, we may never know, but it is not for us to judge, but to help. Give them clothes, pay their school fees, give them books to read, or pray with them. It may seem small to you, but just one of those actions can make a huge difference to someone, and it will also show your child that sometimes it doesn't have to be a huge gift or gesture, it could be something small that they can do on their own. 

We can't change the world immediately, but through small acts of kindness and responsibility, we can make a difference. We must work to raise considerate children who think of others and who show love in any way they can. The way the world turns out is in our hands, let us be conscious of what we teach our children.

Till Next Monday,

Stay Blessed and safe

Tafi

#beingaparent

#givingback