Families are now formed in different ways; traditional, blended, arranged, and some because of pregnancy. In our culture, its not a good image to have a child out of wedlock, so some couples will end up marrying because it is what they know is expected. There are those that will have been dating and fell pregnant sooner than they expected, and then there are those once off situations where you do not have feelings for this or even know them at all or well enough. Yes, that happens.
It makes sense that the elders would want to have the couple marry, but what about the environment it is creating for the child they are going to raise? Is this child going to grow up seeing love or seeing regret? Is it the right thing to do to marry because you are pregnant?
I asked some people who said they didn't see the problem if the couple loved each other. It happened unexpectedly but they were going to marry anyway. One lady said it is important for the couple to not regret the pregnancy as it will define their relationship, they will feel forced and trapped and thus not build on the relationship. Even in pregnancy a child can feel the rejection, and once the baby is out, the environment can affect their character. If a child feels like they are the reason these two people got married, it will create a sense of not being wanted or loved.
Children are born out of non-traditional situations and some turn out good and some come out with some hang ups and anger, but that can happen with those born out of traditional situations. The reason why people should marry is because they love each other and they want to be together. If you do not love and respect your partner, you cannot show your child how to love and respect other people. We become what we are exposed to. Your child may grow up to believe that marriage is not about love, but it is about doing the responsible thing, or it is the next stage in a person's life that must be done. It does not involve a relationship or being happy. Depending on how you handle the marriage, if either of you step out of your marriage and your child finds out, your child could possibly think that you make your own happiness outside of your marriage. Is that what you want your child to believe?
If your have made the decision to marry because of pregnancy, then embrace it and be happy. Both of you need to discuss why you are doing it, and if it is not because you love each other, then at least make sure you respect each other and the union and the decision you have made to raise this child as a married couple.
Children pick up on body language and they know when people are pretending to love each other. You cannot fool a child, and it would mean fooling this child till they die or you die. That is a lifetime commitment. Can you commit to pretending for that long and realising that you will be caught out by the child at some point in their life? It is a big risk.
So if not handled right, marrying because of pregnancy could lead to the following:
- A child not feeling wanted
- A child having the wrong perception of marriage
- A child with low self-esteem
- A self destructive child because they do not feel wanted
- A rebellious child
- A loner of a child
As the parents, if you decide to marry because of pregnancy make sure you:
- Really talk about it and understand why you are both doing it
- Respect each other as individuals and as the parent of your child
- Respect the union, do not show you are unhappy to everyone around you including your child
- Both put the child first. You came together for the child to have a stable home, so make that your aim no matter how you feel
- Try create a friendship, and eventually it could lead to love. I have seen many instances where people grow to love each other overtime. Others love intensely and drift apart overtime...so there really isn't a set formula
I am not saying people should not marry, but please marry for the right reasons. This is a lifetime commitment. Commit for the right reasons
A baby does not keep people together.
Till Next Monday
Stay Blessed
Tafi
#beingaparent
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